Hey bros does this look like a dude?
The final week of the regular season was good to me, but not quite good enough to get me over .500 for the year. Luckily, the playoffs are here, and that means I can still watch football all day and attempt to make correct picks, and they’ll automatically count for more because “more is on the line.” Isn’t that how it works? Like, if I win in the playoffs I get more money, because I came through in the clutch?
Check out some truly ELITE picks after the jump.
(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time bets were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)
Week 17 Record: 9-7
Regular Season Record: 122-123-8
Saturday Early Game (1/4 4:35PM ET)
Kansas City Chiefs at Indianapolis Colts -2.5
Halfway through the season, there’s no way the Colts would have been favored in this game, even playing in the Indianapolis sort of dome brought to you by Lucas Oil. Of course, halfway through the season the Kansas City Chiefs were undefeated, and at this point they are playing on Wild Card Weekend, not having won a division despite having a better record than a number of division winners across the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. They nearly (and probably should have) beaten the Chargers in Week 17 even though they played their second-stringers, and though Andrew Luck is a really good quarterback, I don’t see the small horsies being able to defeat the Native American tribal leaders.
My Pick: Chiefs +2.5
Saturday Late Game (1/4 8:10PM ET)
New Orleans Saints at Philadelphia Eagles -2.5
This game has a “narrative” and that “narrative” is that the Saints cannot win a big game on the road. NFL narratives, like stereotypes, are often there for a reason, but that reason does not necessarily mean they are always true. The Saints came one play away from winning in Foxboro, and the Patriots are better than the Eagles, who only beat the Kyle Orton-led Cowboys because of a failed two-point conversion. I’m taking the canonized Christian heroes to beat the America birds.
My Pick: Saints +2.5
Not one, but more than one Drew Bree.
Sunday Early Game (1/5 1:05PM ET)
San Diego Chargers at Cincinnati Bengals -6.5
The Chargers needed a number of things to occur last Sunday in order to make the playoffs. They needed to win, which they did with the help of some poor placekicking, some starter benchwarming, and some poor refereeing in their battle with the Chiefs. They also needed Taylor Swift to remain in a committed relationship for more than three weeks, the Duck Dynasty dude to be caught blowing a security guard in a pickup truck like Vito from The Sopranos, Carl Weathers to revive his action hero career with a sequel to Action Jackson, and Dolph Lundgren to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger as governor of Kah-lee-foh-knee-uh. All of these things happened. The Bengals just won their division outright and are better than the Chargers. So I’m going to take the orange and black stripey tigers to defeat the things you plug your phone into and always wind up leaving in the hotel room when you leave.
My Pick: Bengals -6.5
Sunday Late Game (1/8 4:40PM ET)
San Francisco 49ers -3 at Green Bay Packers
One of the big stories (read: not big stories) this week was Aaron Rodgers coming out as “totally not gay bro you know I crush dat puss 24-7.” Because apparently some website had accused him of being gay. Also, the Green Bay Packers are in danger of not selling out their home stadium for the first time since I’ve been alive. If they don’t sell out a playoff game, can we not always be told how great the fans are there? That’d be cool. Oh yeah, I think the guys who put things in packaging material are going to defeat the 50-1ers.
My Pick: Packers +3
WILD CARD WEEKEND everybody.