Organized Sports: Moar Liek Pooper Bowl Amirite?

Not the best start.

Not the best start.

Never before have I seen a football game lost on the first play from scrimmage, but that was what happened with this year’s Super Bowl between the AFC Champion Denver Broncos and NFC Champion Seattle Seahawks. As Peyton Manning lined up behind center on Denver’s first play, he stepped up to adjust the play and center Manny Ramirez snapped the ball as if Manning were still in place in the shotgun formation, sailing the ball over his head and into the endzone, where Knowshawn Moreno landed on it for a safety. The Broncos were down 2-0 twelve seconds in the game, and had to kick the ball away, and even then, with more than 59 minutes of game time remaining, it already felt over.

The collapse didn’t end there, but that was perhaps the most ridiculous moment of ineptitude. The second half didn’t start off any better for the Broncos. Down 22-0 and kicking off, instead of having the strong-legged Matt Prater boot it into the endzone, he popped up a short kick, the team’s plan to stop wild card Percy Harvin from being able to return the kickoff. That did not work, as Harvin fielded the kick, passed within arm’s reach of five Denver special teamers, and waltzed into the endzone to put the Seahawks up 29-0. It didn’t get any better from there.

More on this game, and picks from the season, after the jump.

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Organized Sports NFL Picks: Boo Per Soul

King Conan

Watching the Super Bowl with crown on his troubled brow.

Here we are, the last meaningful game of football until early September (or late August, for you college football fans). As far as I’m concerned, we couldn’t have gotten a better Super Bowl matchup. It’s one that many pundits predicted at the beginning of the year, those pundits who weren’t trying to be clever and choosing the Texans and Falcons, both horrible this year, to make it. We have the best offense going against the best scoring defense, a team with the veteran quarterback of all veteran quarterbacks versus a team of young upstarts, Peyton Manning throwing at Richard Sherman. Who could ask for anything more?

The media day hype has passed. The pundits have all chosen their winners. King Conan has finally ascended from lowly Cimmerian barbarian adventurer to rule the kingdom of Aquilonia, driving his enemies before him and hearing the lamentations of their women. Stupid journalists have written annoying thinkpieces about race, class, and everything else that has nothing to do with whatever will happen on the field. And Tom Brady isn’t there.

My FINAL PICK OF THE SEASON in regards to THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE after the jump.

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Organized Sports NFL Picks: Champions Hip Weekend

You guys like old white guys debating about young men wearing their hats backwards?

You guys like old white guys debating about young men wearing their hats backwards?

You guys like narratives? Cause we got narratives. We got Brady versus Manning XV, also known as Mady versus Branning and Manny versus Brading. Will Manning’s history of choking in the playoffs, and Tom Brady’s history of being clutch in the playoffs, manifest here? Are those narratives overly simplified and in many ways untrue? Is Tom Brady truly a troll genius because he wears a Yankees cap even though he plays in Boston?

We also got Seahawks versus 49ers in the HOTTEST new rivalry. Two SMASHMOUTH defenses going at it, with young quarterbacks having to PROVE THEMSELVES UNDER DURESS. Is Colin Kaepernick as good as Russell Wilson, or does the fact that he wears his hat backwards and has tattoo sleeves mean he is a MENACE two (II?) (2?) society? Is the reason that all media people love Russell Wilson because he wears a tie to his press conferences? Does Jim Harbaugh yell while he’s eating and send flecks of mayonnaise flying?

We’ll find out this Sunday. On to the pixxx, after the jump.

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Organized Sports NFL Picks: Revisional Downed

Philip looks more like a Rivers boat gambler.

Philip looks more like a Rivers boat gambler.

Whoa boy. After Wild Card Weekend went Cards Gone Wild—these games did everything but pour champagne on white tanktops with no bras underneath—the Divisional Round will likely be a letdown, particularly as we have three games with teams favored by more than a touchdown, and one game where the road team is favored, proving them to be viewed as a much better team than the one they’re visiting. Will this be a week of blowouts after a week of three great games and one total dud (Thanks, Bengals)?

I don’t think so. And I say so. After the jump.

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Organized Sports NFL Picks: Wild Card Weekend

Hey bros does this look like a dude?

Hey bros does this look like a dude?

The final week of the regular season was good to me, but not quite good enough to get me over .500 for the year. Luckily, the playoffs are here, and that means I can still watch football all day and attempt to make correct picks, and they’ll automatically count for more because “more is on the line.” Isn’t that how it works? Like, if I win in the playoffs I get more money, because I came through in the clutch?

Check out some truly ELITE picks after the jump.

(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time bets were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)

Week 17 Record: 9-7

Regular Season Record: 122-123-8

Saturday Early Game (1/4 4:35PM ET)

Kansas City Chiefs at Indianapolis Colts -2.5
Halfway through the season, there’s no way the Colts would have been favored in this game, even playing in the Indianapolis sort of dome brought to you by Lucas Oil. Of course, halfway through the season the Kansas City Chiefs were undefeated, and at this point they are playing on Wild Card Weekend, not having won a division despite having a better record than a number of division winners across the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. They nearly (and probably should have) beaten the Chargers in Week 17 even though they played their second-stringers, and though Andrew Luck is a really good quarterback, I don’t see the small horsies being able to defeat the Native American tribal leaders.
My Pick: Chiefs +2.5

Saturday Late Game (1/4 8:10PM ET)

New Orleans Saints at Philadelphia Eagles -2.5
This game has a “narrative” and that “narrative” is that the Saints cannot win a big game on the road. NFL narratives, like stereotypes, are often there for a reason, but that reason does not necessarily mean they are always true. The Saints came one play away from winning in Foxboro, and the Patriots are better than the Eagles, who only beat the Kyle Orton-led Cowboys because of a failed two-point conversion. I’m taking the canonized Christian heroes to beat the America birds.
My Pick: Saints +2.5 

Not one, but more than one Drew Bree.

Not one, but more than one Drew Bree.

Sunday Early Game (1/5 1:05PM ET)

San Diego Chargers at Cincinnati Bengals -6.5
The Chargers needed a number of things to occur last Sunday in order to make the playoffs. They needed to win, which they did with the help of some poor placekicking, some starter benchwarming, and some poor refereeing in their battle with the Chiefs. They also needed Taylor Swift to remain in a committed relationship for more than three weeks, the Duck Dynasty dude to be caught blowing a security guard in a pickup truck like Vito from The Sopranos, Carl Weathers to revive his action hero career with a sequel to Action Jackson, and Dolph Lundgren to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger as governor of Kah-lee-foh-knee-uh. All of these things happened. The Bengals just won their division outright and are better than the Chargers. So I’m going to take the orange and black stripey tigers to defeat the things you plug your phone into and always wind up leaving in the hotel room when you leave.
My Pick: Bengals -6.5

Sunday Late Game (1/8 4:40PM ET)

San Francisco 49ers -3 at Green Bay Packers
One of the big stories (read: not big stories) this week was Aaron Rodgers coming out as “totally not gay bro you know I crush dat puss 24-7.” Because apparently some website had accused him of being gay. Also, the Green Bay Packers are in danger of not selling out their home stadium for the first time since I’ve been alive. If they don’t sell out a playoff game, can we not always be told how great the fans are there? That’d be cool. Oh yeah, I think the guys who put things in packaging material are going to defeat the 50-1ers.
My Pick: Packers +3

WILD CARD WEEKEND everybody.

Organized Sports NFL Picks – Week 17: End of a Year

Still likely a murderer.

Still likely a murderer.

Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will. 

Many times, the end of the NFL regular season does not correspond with the end of a year, instead bleeding over into the first weekend of the next year. But this year, we reach the end of both 2013 and the regular season this week. I’ll miss one. I’ll probably not miss the other. And this is my final chance to get to .500 for the season and declare this season, if not a success, at least not a complete and total failure. In that respect, I’m sort of like my hometown St. Louis Rams.

Get your pick on, after the jump.

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Organized Sports NFL Picks – Week 16: Only Two More Weeks

Pictured: Eagles vs. Bears.

Pictured: Eagles vs. Bears.

Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will. 

Though it lasts all of the fall and a good portion of the early winter, football season always seems to come and go before I know it. And now there are only two weeks left in the regular season. Thursday games are already gone—I know the play wasn’t that great, but more football is more football, and you’re damn right I watched most of the games. Soon Monday Night Football will be gone too, and then the marathon of games on Sundays. I know we have the playoffs will carry us into February, but that weekly constant will soon be gone. And like always, I’ll miss it.

Before I get too teary-eyed about the ending of a season of a sport which has no real effect on my life, let’s get to the picks.

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