Organized Sports NFL Picks – Week 12: Eye Dent Titty

Not one of two great movies.Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will. 

A couple of seasons ago, I did a series of picks where about halfway through the season I went through and defined every team’s “identity,” as that is a concept that football pundits and talking heads seem obsessed with. “What is the Carolina Panthers’ true IDENTITY in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE?” people ask, mostly so that they can say which team is or is not a FRAUD. That was such a hit two years ago, unlike my picks have been this year, that I’m going to recycle a gimmick and go for it again.

The IDENTITY of your author? When it comes to picking NFL games successfully in 2013, he is a FRAUD.

(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time bets were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)

Last Week’s Record: 4-8-3

My Record So Far: 71-84-7

Thursday Night Game (11/21 8:30PM ET)

New Orleans Saints -9 at Atlanta Falcons
The New Orleans Saints are performing well this year, pretty much unstoppable at home and very similar, with Sean Payton returned as head coach, to their work in 2009-10 when they won the Super Bowl, but they’re not quite as impressive. Therefore, the New Orleans Saints, good but not as good as they used to be, are the hit comedy It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

The Falcons are ruined by injury and an utter disappointment this year despite high expectations. Therefore, they are Albert Pujols.
My Pick: Saints -9

Sunday Early Games (11/24 1PM ET)

New York Jets at Baltimore Ravens -3.5
The Baltimore Ravens are mediocre after a surprising championship run. They are every NHL team to ever win the Stanley Cup.

The New York Jets are a surprising success, get by on charm some of the time, and are good every other time they go out there. They are the Iron Man film franchise.
My Pick: Jets +3.5

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns -2
The Cleveland Browns traded their biggest name, Trent Richardson, for future draft picks in what many considered to be the wrong move, but which has turned out to be right, freeing up cap space and stockpiling picks. Therefore, the Cleveland Browns are the Houston Rockets. Here’s hoping they don’t sign Dwight Howard.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are in a quick decline. While they still look mostly the same as they did for years, the production just isn’t there. The Pittsburgh Steelers are the city of Pittsburgh.
My Pick: Steelers +2

night-pittsburgh-1-e1372261820393

The tall, ugly building is Ben Roethlisberger.

Carolina Panthers -4 at Miami Dolphins
The Carolina Panthers are a well-rounded football team with an excellent defensive front and Cam Newton at quarterback. They run a simple offense that allows Cam to be successful while maximizing his strengths, though the defense is what really wins it all. They are Auburn.

The Miami Dolphins are a dumpster fire of racist accusations, collapsing potential, and arrogance. The Miami Dolphins are the libertarian party.
My Pick: Panthers -4

Chicago Bears at St. Louis Rams -1
The St. Louis Rams reside in the city of St. Louis and are a constant disappointment with moments when potential shines through. Therefore, they are me, as I underwhelm the world moving into my thirties.

The Chicago Bears are doing pretty well with a replacement throwing for them, but I don’t think anyone really thinks they’re going anywhere. They are a mid-season MLB team in the Wild Card hunt.
My Pick: Bears +1

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Detroit Lions -9
The Detroit Lions break rules on defense with a violent line that incurs a large amount of penalties, and scramble desperately to win at the last minute more often than not. Therefore, the Detroit Lions are the fictional Charlestown Chiefs, the team at the center of Slap Shot.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are a haven for disease and there is an overly macho guy yelling all the time. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are a sports bar men’s room floor.
My Pick: Buccaneers +9

Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers -5
The Green Bay Packers are a team trying to play their hits without Aaron Rodgers, the truly talented hitmaker. Therefore, the Green Bay Packers are Creedence Clearwater Revisited.

The Minnesota Vikings are always in that middle ground between contention and tanking, therefore never really challenging for a Super Bowl but sometimes making the playoffs and never getting a great draft pick. The Minnesota Vikings are the Milwaukee Bucks.
My Pick: Vikings +5

Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans -10
The Houston Texans were a playoff favorite at the beginning of the year, and have played their way out of contention by choking away a number of close games on offense while still having a good defense. As a result, fans have taken things way too far and threatened quarterback Matt Schaub’s life. Therefore, the Houston Texans are a bad SEC team.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are 1-9. Therefore, they are the St. Louis Cardinals batting with runners in scoring position in the 2013 World Series.
My Pick: Jaguars +10

San Diego Chargers at Kansas City Chiefs -5
The Kansas City Chiefs are a surprise success that everyone now pretends they predicted would be a huge success. Ultimately, though, everyone will likely end up making fun of them. The Kansas City Chiefs are the Twilight series.

The San Diego Chargers play a cold-weather sport in a warm-weather town with so much to do that they don’t have a rabid fan base and could move at any time. Once they get a new stadium that is ridiculous, they will fulfill their destiny to be the Florida/Miami Marlins.
My Pick: Chargers +5

Sunday Late Games (11/24 4:05/4:25PM ET)

Indianapolis Colts at Arizona Cardinals -2
The Arizona Cardinals are 6-4 and pretty good but unexciting. Therefore, they are a solid NCAA basketball player with good fundamentals.

The Indianapolis Colts have the best quarterback prospect since the last time they had the best quarterback prospect. Because they are so lucky, their identity is a four-leaf clover.
My Pick: Colts +2

Tennessee Titans at Oakland Raiders -1
The Oakland Raiders are a Situationist art installation.

The Tennessee Titans are one of those teams that is neither here nor there. Therefore, they are a romantic comedy that isn’t terrible, but isn’t that great either, and which, in Patton Oswalt’s words, would have a noncommittal title like Feelin’ Sorta Kinda.
My Pick: Titans +1

Dallas Cowboys at New York Giants -2.5
The New York Giants, after starting 0-6, have gone 4-0 and played themselves right back into the playoff hunt in the woeful NFC East. Don’t they do this every year, or something like it? The New York Giants are the New York Giants.

The Dallas Cowboys are capitalism.
My Pick: Cowboys +2.5

Sunday Night Game (11/24 8:25PM ET)

Denver Broncos -2.5 at New England Patriots
The Denver Broncos are an emotionless orthopedic surgeon: very good, precise, and expensive.

The New England Patriots feature an endless supply of annoying, scrappy white guys who find success in this system it doesn’t seem like they deserve, and no one likes them outside of their geographical area. The New England Patriots are Duke Basketball.
My Pick: Broncos -2.5

Monday Night Football (11/18 8:30PM ET)

San Francisco 49ers -5 at Washington Redskins
The San Francisco 49ers are a successful but unspectacular team built on defense, with a coach who is way too intense. Jim Harbaugh is Tom Thibodeau, and the 49ers are the Chicago Bulls.

The Washington Redskins have a young African-American leader who was considered to be a savior, and who is now a disappointment and is laying blame at the feet of others. Therefore, they are the Democratic Party (#noteaparty).
My Pick: 49ers -5

The identity of this week’s picks: done.

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