Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will.
After another terrible week of picks, I went back and looked through the weeks of the season so far, and have now concluded that I perform best in this mode while not talking about football at all and just throwing the picks in again. So again, here we go with random observations and bad jokes with some NFL picks thrown in for good measure. Is this a ripoff of Drew Magary’s Deadspin NFL Jamboroo? MAYBE.
(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time bets were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)
Last Week’s Record: 4-9-1
My Record So Far: 67-76-4
Thursday Night Game (11/14 8:30PM ET)
Indianapolis Colts -3 at Tennessee Titans
As I’m writing this, it’s really cold outside for the first time this year, which makes me think of the term “colder than a witch’s tit.” This is a thing my dad has always said, and I remember, as a little kid, bugging him with questions about how cold a witch’s tit actually was. Finally, he got tired of me asking and said “Sixteen degrees.” That shut me up, and I remember it to this day. So for future reference, colder than a witch’s tit is any temperature below sixteen degrees Fahrenheit.
My Pick: Colts -3
Sunday Early Games (11/17 1PM ET)
New York Jets at Buffalo Bills -1.5
At the place where I work now, there are two young women who come in to clean the place during work hours once a week. This usually occurs on Mondays, but they did not come in this week until Tuesday. Them not coming in was what made me realize that it was Veterans Day (fka Armistice Day). How come Veterans Day/Armistice Day is a disposable holiday that workplaces don’t feel like honoring? I guess it’s because people like me have never gotten it off work and thus don’t expect to have it? America!
My Pick: Jets +1.5
Baltimore Ravens at Chicago Bears -3
Because the primary email account I still use personally is a Hotmail account (I know, I know, get with the times and get Gmail if you want to be taken seriously, fleeb-flobb-doobers), I get a lot of spam, most of it of the Such-and-such-ridiculously-named-chick WANTS YOU variety. The other week I got one that the subject line was “Don’t rape my mind…just f*ck me!!” That’s a rather haunting spam subject line, is it not?
My Pick: Ravens +3
Cleveland Browns at Cincinnati Bengals -5.5
As I write this, I am looking at Twitter and trending is the hashtag #AddBoobsToTVTitles. I try not to be all “get off my lawn” about social media or wasting time on the internet, but I think I just got about ten IQ points stupider. And I didn’t even click on the hashtag…I got stupider trying to come up with a good one, and couldn’t.
My Pick: Browns +5.5
Detroit Lions -2 at Pittsburgh Steelers
Because I am tired of every single CD I own and don’t feel like hooking my phone up to listen to Spotify in my car, I listen to a lot of sports talk radio (yes, I know it’s terrible; no, I can’t stop listening). It seems like every show has a female producer that sounds like she’d be cute. Even in radio, women who cover sports have to create the image of being an adorable gal. I have a penis, so I am likely part of this problem.
My Pick: Lions -2
Oakland Raiders at Houston Texans -7
The NBA is back, which I’m happy about, though I haven’t really been paying attention as of yet. I am glad Russell Westbrook is back, though, because as I’ve written before, he’s among my favorite players to watch.
My Pick: Raiders +7
Arizona Cardinals -7 at Jacksonville Jaguars
In St. Louis, basically everyone who was once in a punk band and went to punk rock shows falls into one of three Punk Rock Retirement Plans: 1. The Rockabillypublicans who post on Facebook about Obamacare, tattoos, cars, and their girlfriends who play rollerderby and have pinup hair; 2. The Twangwieners, who start beard-folk and alt-country bands; and 3. The Laptop DJs, who play 80s and electronic jams at hipster clubs. I don’t mind people growing up or out of a phase, I just wish they didn’t all follow the same tiny paths. Just an observation.
My Pick: Cardinals -7
San Diego Chargers -1.5 at Miami Dolphins
I had this idea for a blog post where I’d go to the establishments that now exist where some of my favorite defunct music venues in town once stood. Then I realized I’d get really depressed and decided not to do that, because I didn’t want to reminisce about all the great shows I saw at Mississippi Nights while standing in the Lumiere Place Casino parking lot.
My Pick: Chargers -1.5
Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles -3.5
I used to work for a company that did, among other things, web design for small businesses to sell online. A few of the designers there had a game going where they’d try and put Death Star plans into whatever design they could sneak it into and get away with it. That was pretty funny.
My Pick: Redskins +3.5
Atlanta Falcons -1.5 at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Because I am an unmarried man in his early thirties in the Midwest, my pickin’s are slim, and since I work entirely with dudes and just about all of my friends are married, online dating is my only real option. Observations about online dating: all women on online dating sites are “sick of” or “don’t want” “drama,” and every woman around my age in the St. Louis area already has a child, who is her “world.” Over/under on said child’s name being “Jordan,” of either sex, 43%. I’m glad your children are “your world,” but can we please just accept that that is likely the case, and move on from there?
My Pick: Buccaneers +1.5
Sunday Late Games (11/17 4:05/4:25PM ET)
Minnesota Vikings at Seattle Seahawks -13.5
Because most of what I watch on television is sports-related, I tend to see the same commercials over and over again, ranging from the Cialis sitting-in-separate-bathtubs-equals-sex commercials to ads that show me which light beer is most manly to drink and everything (not very diverse) in between. What I’ve noticed in this is that commercials for big blockbuster video games make me wish that the big blockbuster video games were the upcoming blockbuster movies, and that the commercials for big blockbuster movies make me wish movies no longer existed. Seriously, the latest Grand Theft Auto ad looked more like a movie I’d want to see than anything that’s really in theaters now.
My Pick: Seahawks -13.5
San Francisco 49ers at New Orleans Saints -3
Speaking of the Cialis commercials…all these dudes have very attractive wives, not just by “older woman” standards. These are good-lookin’ gals. Ads for these pills would be a lot more effective if they showed dudes could get boners for some ugly old broads.
My Pick: 49ers +3
Green Bay Packers at New York Giants -6
The internet has ruined me, because whenever I get down now I just look at r/aww for pictures of puppies. I am supposedly a grown adult male.
My Pick: Packers +6
Sunday Night Game (11/17 8:25PM ET)
Kansas City Chiefs at Denver Broncos -8
Rappers need to start rapping about dealing Krokodil, since that drug seems really terrifying. I think a mixtape track called “Ciller Krok” would get some online buzz at the very least. Especially if you could get Kendrick Lamar to insult Drake over the beat on the remix.
My Pick: Chiefs +8
Monday Night Football (11/18 8:30PM ET)
New England Patriots at Carolina Panthers -2.5
When will JNCOs be back in style?
My Pick: Panthers -2.5
See you necks tweak.