Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will.
Once, when I was in Los Angeles, a friend from out of town was visiting. We were driving around, as I was showing him the lay of the land, and we passed DeLongpre, a street that weaves its way in and out of Hollywood. Prompted by this, I said, “Hey DeLongpre, how you doin’ gurl,” which cracked up said friend, and led us, stuck in LA traffic, to come up with a whole scenario where DeLongpre was the long suffering, thirtysomething, overweight African female best friend of a gay black man named Sebastian, and that each week they’d get together for love and support and a tasty dinner.
One thing that came out of this was “You don’t gotta tell me, gurl. It’s been one of them weeks.” Well, it has been one of them weeks, both in and out of the NFL picks game, for yours truly. What can turn everything around? I don’t know, but I feel like DeLongpre and Sebastian would have good advice for me. If they weren’t fictional creations of my own bored mind.
On to the picks after the jump.
(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time bets were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)
Last Week’s Record: 6-7
My Record So Far: 63-67-3
Thursday Night Game (11/7 8:30PM ET)
Washington Redskins -2 at Minnesota Vikings
Another Thursday night football game, another potential dogbaby. I didn’t get to see too much of last week’s game as I was handing out candy to rude children and trying not to be a Halloween humbug, but I did see that Geno Atkins was injured for the season and the game was won in overtime by the Dolphins on a “walkoff” safety by Cameron Wake. This game also has the potential to end in an odd or horrible way. I’m sure at the beginning of the year this seemed like an awesome RG3 versus Adrian Peterson matchup, and while those two players both still exist, this is not going to be a good game. Will I watch it anyway? Probably, because that is what I do.
My Pick: Redskins -2
Sunday Early Games (11/10 1PM ET)
Buffalo Bills at Pittsburgh Steelers -3
Last week the Steelers allowed the most points and yards in their history to New England. The Bills barely lost to the undefeated Chiefs. I’m not sure why the Steelers are favored, other than the fact that they have a lot of fans.
My Pick: Bills +3
Cincinnati Bengals -1.5 at Baltimore Ravens
After being named the player of the month in October (even though October was not yet over when he allowed himself to be sacked in the endzone for a loss) Andy Dalton came back to earth and became Andy Dalton again against the Dolphins. I will still take the Bingulls in this one, because the Ravens don’t look like a good football team this year, and their lack of a running game will not take advantage of the absence of Geno Atkins.
My Pick: Bengals -1.5
Detroit Lions -2.5 at Chicago Bears
On Monday night, the Bears with Josh McCown under center beat the Packers without their starting quarterback. The Lions will have Statt Mafford at THE QUARTERBACK POSITION, though, and he and Calvin Johnson together are (bold statement) good at football.
My Pick: Lions -2.5
Philadelphia Eagles at Green Bay Packers -1.5
The Green Bay Packers lost Aaron Rodgers, for the foreseeable future, to a broken collarbone. Now, Seneca Wallace will be playing quarterback for them. Seneca Wallace is a great name, and also a name that inspired me to come up with the name Cicero Jenkins, which is a name I want to use for a series of hardboiled detective novels.
My Pick: Eagles +1.5
St. Louis Rams at Indianapolis Colts -9.5
I really didn’t want Andrew Luck to be better than RG3, because I felt like a lot of lazy sportswriters were taking the easy way out in saying that Luck “played the game the right way” and RG3 was “just athletic” because of obvious racist overtones. The fact of the matter is, though, this year Luck is much better, and on his way to being one of the best quarterbacks in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE for years to come, and he’s really tough, too, taking a beating from the Houston Texans last week that would have knocked out many QBs. He’ll take a beating again this week from the front seven of the Saint Louis Rams, who are no longer the Raint Louis Sams with Bradford out. I think the Rams’ll keep it close, though.
My Pick: Rams +9.5
Jacksonville Jaguars at Tennessee Titans -12
Remember the Titans? I remember them because the Rams lost to them last week. If there were a movie called Remember the Jaguars, it would likely not be able to get Denzel Washington for the lead role. Who is an off-brand Denzel Washington? I’m gonna go with Mario Van Peebles, or his arch-nemesis, Wario Van Peebles.
My Pick: Titans -12
Oakland Raiders at New York Giants -7
I get that the Raiders got murdered by the Eagles last week, but the Giants are still terrible. With a touchdown spread, I have to go with those who Raid Oakland.
My Pick: Raiders +7
Seattle Seahawks -6.5 at Atlanta Falcons
It’s been gloomy and rainy for the past week or so in St. Louis (yeah, one of them weeks) and it has just made me think if it’s going to be like this all the time, I should probably live in Seattle. The Seahawks also are glad to live in Seattle, where they are awesome. They will be less awesome in Atlanta, which is a place I don’t think I could live because it would be too hot.
My Pick: Falcons +6.5
Sunday Late Games (11/10 4:05/4:25PM ET)
Carolina Panthers at San Francisco 49ers -6
This is a good game. I like this game. I will watch this game.
My Pick: Panthers +6
Denver Broncos -7 at San Diego Chargers
Gifs of Philip Rivers are enjoyable. Hearing him talk is not enjoyable. Watching the Denver Broncos offense is enjoyable. This will be enjoyable.
My Pick: Chargers +7
Houston Texans at Arizona Cardinals -2.5
This is not a good game. I will not watch this game.
My Pick: Texans +2.5
Sunday Night Game (11/10 8:25PM ET)
Dallas Cowboys at New Orleans Saints -7
A storyline that will be talked about a lot in the run-up to this game will be Rob Ryan facing his former team, the Dallas Cowboys. Seeing as Rob Ryan has been the defensive coordinator for seemingly every team, this should not be that big of a storyline. Also, the Saints in the Superdome are good, but Romo can duel just about any quarterback when he’s on. Sebastian? DeLongpre? Who should I take? “Fade the public, gurl.”
My Pick: Cowboys +7
Monday Night Football (11/11 8:30PM ET)
Miami Dolphins -3 at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Dolphins are now without half of their offensive line due to the Richie Incognito-Jonathan Martin scandal. Much has been written about that everywhere else, so I won’t get into it here, but as a Rams fan, I can attest that Richie Incognito seemed like a very bad person, which is too bad, because Richie Incognito is an even better name than Seneca Wallace. Dick Stealth. Also, this game will be terrible.
My Pick: Dolphins -3
See you next (which I hope is not one of them) weeks.