Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will.
After a second moderately successful week in a row, I’m getting closer to right and learning more about what the teams in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE are made of. As a result, I’m going to follow my strategy from the last few weeks: fading the public with a few exceptions, which I’ll explain in detail, likely with some bad puns thrown in. It’s the NFL Picks, Organized Sports Style. Get it on. Bang a gong.
Get it on.
(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time bets were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)
Last Week’s Record: 9-6
My Record So Far: 42-47-3
Thursday Night Game (10/17 8:30PM ET)
Seattle Seahawks -6.5 at Arizona Cardinals
The Seahawks had their fair share of trouble with the Titans last week, and though they won at home, they did not cover the spread. They are a different team on the road, and as a result I’m taking the Cardinals and the points over the 5-1 Seahawks and their 5’1” quarterback. Jokes about height! They’re occasionally funny!
My Pick: Cardinals +6.5
Sunday Early Games (10/20 1PM ET)
Buffalo Bills at Miami Dolphins -8.5
The Bills took the Bengals to overtime last week, even with a first-time NFL starter basically pulled off the street under center in Thad Lewis (which is a name that should belong to someone from West Egg). The Dolphins, while good, haven’t shown the ability to really blow anyone out, so with the spread more than a touchdown, I’ll take the Bills to keep it close and cover.
My Pick: Bills +8.5
St. Louis Rams at Carolina Panthers -5.5
Both the Rams and the Panthers blew out their opponents in Week 6, with the Rams straight head-butting the Texans in Houston, and the Panthers taking a bite out of the Vikings in Minnesota (see what I did there?). Both teams have had their ups and downs, and I’ve been very bad when picking Rams games due to being a hopeful home fan, so take it with a grain of salt when I think they’ll keep it close enough to cover that five-and-the-hook spread.
My Pick: Rams +5.5
Chicago Bears at Washington Redskins -1
While Chicago BEARly beat the winless Giants, they are still a much better team than the Redskins, whose defense has a chance of being historically bad, and whose quarterback, Robert Griffin III (sometimes referred to as RG3, you may have heard of him—EAT FRESH!), while looking better each week, still hasn’t fully recovered from the knee injury that hobbled him at the end of last year. I’m surprised the Skins are favored, and so I’ll take the Bears to win on the road.
My Pick: Bears +1
Cincinnati Bengals at Detroit Lions -3
With the three-point home-field advantage spread in their favor, the oddsmakers are showing that they think these two teams are just about evenly matched, and . . . I can’t really argue with that. This is a tough one to pick, because neither team really stands out as being awesome, I don’t think the Lions’ home advantage is that great, and both teams have had impressive and not-so-impressive games. In a coinflip I’ll take the Bengals because they’re the underdogs, but I’m not excited about it. This could be a shootout, which the Lions would win, or a 10-7 type of game, which the Bengals would win.
My Pick: Bengals +3
Dallas Cowboys at Philadelphia Eagles -2.5
I understand that both of these teams have the same .500 record, but to me the Cowboys have been a lot more impressive in their wins and losses than the Eagles have, especially with the Cowboys’ 51-48 loss to the Broncos that really could have gone either way (yeah, I know, Romo interception blah blah fart noise, who cares?). I don’t think the Eagles have half a chance of stopping the Cowboy offense, so I’m definitely taking those who ranch in Dallas over the soaring America birds of Philly.
My Pick: Cowboys +2.5
Houston Texans at Kansas City Chiefs -6.5
The Texans lost last week to the Rams. The Same Old Sorry Ass Rams. And SOSAT lost bad to SOSAR. The Chiefs, on the other hand, are still undefeated under Andy Reid, and hold one of the best home field advantages in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE with Arrowhead Stadium. So, of course, I’m taking the Texans here, because that’s what the sharps in Vegas would do.
My Pick: Texans +6.5
San Diego Chargers -7.5 at Jacksonville Jaguars
If I were the San Diego Chargers, I’d be pissed I was only favored by a little more than a touchdown against the Jags, even though the game is all the way across the country and played in another time zone’s slot, even though the Jaguars easily covered the gigantic spread against the Broncos last week.
My Pick: Chargers -7.5
New England Patriots -4 at New York Jets
Because the Patriots pulled out a miracle at home last week against the previously undefeated Saints, it’s time again for the media to overlook all the things going wrong with the team, especially the fact that Tom Brady just hasn’t been very good this year. The Jets were a turnover away from beating the Pats in Foxboro earlier in the year, and since the Jets seem to have a good game every other game or so, I think they’ll bring it enough to keep it close here.
My Pick: Jets +4
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Atlanta Falcons -7.5
At this point, are the Falcons really good enough to be favored by more than a touchdown over anyone?
My Pick: Buccaneers +7.5
Sunday Late Games (10/20 4:05/4:25PM ET)
San Francisco 49ers -4.5 at Tennessee Titans
If the Titans can give the Seahawks trouble in Seattle, and the 49ers aren’t looking that great (except when they play the Rams), one should take the Titans at home against the Niners when they’re the home dog, right? It sounds reasonable, but I can’t pull the trigger, not with Ryan Fitzharvardbeardinterceptionatacrucialtime under center.
My Pick: 49ers -4.5
Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers -2
I know the Steelers are at home and they finally won a game, but really? They’re favored? No.
My Pick: Ravens +2
Cleveland Browns at Green Bay Packers -10.5
The Packers are a public team, favored by more than double-digits, and the Browns have shown quite a bit of fight this year. Also, they are stuck with Brandon Weeden at quarterback, and if you spoonerize quarterback you get Border Quack, so basically Brandon Weeden is a shady doctor operating outside of the law across in Juarez.
My Pick: Packers -10.5
Sunday Night Game (10/20 8:25PM ET)
Denver Broncos -6 at Indianapolis Colts
The Broncos have been the best team in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE so far this year, and it’s hard to pick anyone against them, but I think this is the first game they have a real chance of losing. With the emotion of being back in Indy possible touching the cruel cyborg heart of Peyton Manning, the Colts’ surprising success, and Andrew Luck being even better than people thought he’d be by this point in his career, and after the Broncos letting the edge go a little dull against the Jags, I’ll take the Colts to keep it close, at least.
My Pick: Colts +6
Monday Night Football (10/21 6:30PM ET)
Minnesota Vikings at New York Giants -3
This is not one of two great Monday Night Football matchups. Yet, because I am addicted to football, I will watch it, Gruden THIS GUYs, bad play and all. I suppose I have to pick a team, so I’ll pick the slightly less terrible Minnesota Vikings. If you say Minnesota in an exaggerated upper-Midwest accent, it sounds like mini-soda, which would be a small soft drink.
My Pick: Small Soft Drink +3
There it is, my wit and wisdom for the week. Also, I am 32 today, and I still think my Mini-Soda joke is funny, so there’s that.
See you next time!