Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will.
Finally, I had a good week with my picks when I did almost no talking about football, going 9-5 for my first week above .500. Since I had a week on the positive side of the ledger, I feel like a league leader, so I’m going to go in depth on what each team leads the league in.
Since there’s so much down time in a game, between plays, between quarters, at the half, announcers are forced to fill the time with meaningless stats often based on small sample sizes, such as the fact that Peyton Manning is #4 all time in completion percentage on odd-numbered October Sundays, or that when a certain running back gets 17+ carries, a team will win. I’m going to give you some even more useless stats, and hopefully not useless picks, after the jump.
(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time bets were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)
Last Week’s Record: 9-5
My Record So Far: 33-41-3
Thursday Night Game (10/10 8:30PM ET)
New York Giants at Chicago Bears -8
We’ll begin with the teams in this week’s Thursday night matchup on the NFL Network. The New York Giants are the league leaders in announcers saying “[head coach’s name] isn’t gonna like that, while the Chicago Bears lead the league in keeping Robert Smigel in royalty checks.
My Pick: Giants +8
Sunday Early Games (10/13 1PM ET)
Cincinnati Bengals -8 at Buffalo Bills
The Cincinnati Bengals lead the league in percentage of games started in the past decade by a red-haired quarterback, while the Buffalo Bills are league leaders in inexplicable Chris Berman fandom.
My Pick: Bills +8
Green Bay Packers -3 at Baltimore Ravens
The Green Bay Packers lead the league in commercials that were kind of okay at first but now make me want to bomb a State Farm office, while the Baltimore Ravens are league leaders in grass eaten in pregame introductions by guys who snitched on their boys to get out of a murder beef.
My Pick: Ravens +3
Detroit Lions -2.5 at Cleveland Browns
The Detroit Lions are league leaders in defensive linemen who look like Bunk Moreland, while the Cleveland Browns lead the league in “They’re tied for the division lead? Really?”
My Pick: Browns +2.5
Carolina Panthers at Minnesota Vikings -2.5
The Carolina Panthers lead the league in annoying touchdown celebrations when down by multiple scores in the fourth quarter, while the Minnesota Vikings lead the league in people watching for purely fantasy football reasons.
My Pick: Panthers +2.5
St. Louis Rams at Houston Texans -7
The Rams lead the league in names that remind me of grizzled character actor, James Cameron regular, and Hard Target villain Lance Henriksen (tight end Lance Kendricks), while the Texans are the league leaders in pick-sixes, which is pretty much the only one of these that is not a joke.
My Pick: Rams +7
Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs -9
The Oakland Raiders lead the league in snapback retro caps from when they were in another city, while the Chiefs are league leader in head coach who looks like the planet Mars with a womb broom.
My Pick: Raiders +9
Pittsburgh Steelers -3 at New York Jets
The Steelers are league leaders in quarterback postgame press conferences featuring Maria Bello in Prime Suspect hats, while the Jets are league leaders in outdated snack and foot fetish jokes.
My Pick: Jets +3
Philadelphia Eagles -1 at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Philadelphia Eagles are the league leaders in dog murder and racial slurs, while the Buccaneers lead the league in Asshole Head Coaching, which is saying something when I imagine that more than ninety percent of the league’s coaches are complete assholes.
My Pick: Eagles -1
Sunday Late Games (10/13 4:05/4:25PM ET)
Jacksonville Jaguars at Denver Broncos -27.5
The Jacksonville Jaguars lead the league in hashtag-swag Oregon-style helmets. while the Denver Broncos are league leaders in home field advantage that, due to elevation, can actually kill opposing players that have sickle cell anemia.
My Pick: Jaguars +27.5
Tennessee Titans at Seattle Seahawks -13.5
The Titans lead the league in me forgetting they exist, since the Jaguars are so memorably bad, while the Seahawks are league leaders in adderall usage.
My Pick: Titans +13.5
New Orleans Saints at New England Patriots -2.5
The New Orleans Saints lead the league in quarterbacks who will be mayor or governor within ten years of retirement, while the Patriots lead the league in fans who wish the team had fewah dahh-kies.
My Pick: Saints +2.5
Arizona Cardinals at San Francisco 49ers -11
The Arizona Cardinals lead the league in both games wasted, and seasons wasted, in the prime of a Hall of Fame wideout’s career, while the 49ers are league leaders in CSFS, which stands for Coach Spittle on Front of Shirt.
My Pick: Cardinals +11
Sunday Night Game (10/13 8:25PM ET)
Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys -5.5
Washington are the league leaders in team members who resemble Andre 3000, while the Cowboys are the league leaders in MILF-y women in the crowd with big blonde hair, big makeup, big cowboy boots and big chest beefers (likely storebought).
My Pick: Redskins +5.5
Monday Night Football (10/14 6:30PM ET)
Indianapolis Colts -1.5 at San Diego Chargers
The Colts lead the league in Andre the Giant voice, while the Chargers are league leaders in kids shot out by the wife of the overly religious quarterback.
My Pick: Chargers +1.5
League leaders among bye week teams:
- Falcons – This year’s new league leader in lost productivity due to Steven Jackson being either hurt or worthless (thanks for that).
- Dolphins – The Dolphins lead the league in being the trendy pick to beat the Patriots this year but probably falling short.
See you next week!