Organized Sports NFL Picks – The Championship Games Actually Exist

Manti Te'o

I’m so sad my fake girlfriend is dead.

Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will. 

It’s not NFL-related, but I’d be remiss if I did not mention the biggest football-related story of the week, that being Deadspin’s investigation into the heartwarming backstory of Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o, which found out that the tale of his deceased girlfriend, whose death from leukemia inspired him to the Heisman running this season, was entirely a hoax.

Now, Manti Te’o is a 22-year-old young man, in college still, and when I was around that age, I told quite a few lies about girls, to girls, and more. After the jump, I’ll include a couple of those stories along with my picks, because we’ve talked enough about these teams already, haven’t we? I mean, Ray Lewis retirement potential Harbaugh bowl battle of the brothers Falcons monkey on back Tony Gonzalez Greatriots. That covers it, right? All right then, onwards and upwards.

Last Week: 1-3

Playoffs So Far: 2-6

NFC Championship Game (1/20 3PM)

San Francisco 49ers (-4.5) at Atlanta Falcons
Once, I was at a party where the female partygoers were mostly from another college. As was the convention then, one girl asked me what my major was. I informed her that my college does not have majors, but instead we each have a “focus”, and that my focus was in physics. In reality, I majored in English, which is why I’m writing a blog no one reads instead of working with the Supercollider.
My Pick: Falcons (+4.5)

This was the LEAST vile thing that came up in my Google Image search

This was the LEAST vile thing that came up in my Google Image search

AFC Championship Game (1/20 6:30PM)

Baltimore Ravens at New England Patriots (-9)
I began my college years at a school far from home that many people referred to as either “artsy,” “faggy,” or the combined “artfaggy.” So when people back home asked me “how it was going at that artfaggy place” I decided to give it right back to them in the form of MOMENTOUS lies, my favorite of which was this: That, along with our typical orientation presentation about how guys shouldn’t ever let their penises go near a girl or it would be rape, a middle-aged lesbian gave us a demonstration on proper fisting technique, which I would demonstrate by making my hand into something that looks vaguely like a duck shadow puppet and then shove into my other hand. People believed me, so I kept telling the story, until I was no longer giggling to myself and it didn’t even seem like a lie anymore. Maybe that’s what happened with Manti Te’o, except I never gave postgame interviews on national television about the false fisting program at Emerson College.
My Pick: Ravens (+9)

Speaking of lies, if those picks are wrong, they’re not my real picks, okay? See you next time.

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