Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will.
For the second year in a row, I spent Thanksgiving in a Vegas casino, indulging my sports-betting, free-drinking, cocktail waitress-ogling id. Was the trip a success? I bet on sports (and didn’t lose ALL of my money), the cocktail waitresses weren’t much to ogle, but the drinks were free. All in all, it was a good time.
My big win? A 6-1 bet that Wes Welker would score the first touchdown in the Patriots-Jets game. My big loss? Luxor blackjack. Consolation prize? The airport full of college girls in yoga pants and Uggs coming back after break. Picks after the jump.
Last Week: 8-6-1
My Record So Far: 86-84-5
Thursday Night Football (11/29 8:25PM)
New Orleans Saints at Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)
The Falcons may be the least impressive 10-1 team in the history of football, but they’ll want to take revenge for their one loss this year, and the Saints won’t have the home-dome advantage. Huh-huh, I said “dome.”
My Pick: Falcons (-3.5)
Sunday Early Games (12/2 1PM ET)
Seattle Seahawks at Chicago Bears (-3.5)
The Seahawks are terrible on the road, the Bears are good at home, and they have Jay Cutler back slingin’ those guns. How much the media hates Jay Cutler is amazing, therefore I want him to win the Super Bowl and sulk the entire time, just so people will say he didn’t do it as a “true leader.”
My Pick: Bears (-3.5)
Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers (-3.5)
The Packers at home looking to avenge an embarrassing loss, against their longtime rivals who consist of Adrian Peterson, Jared Allen, and a bunch of other dudes no one’s ever heard of? I’ll take that.
My Pick: Packers (-3.5)
San Francisco 49ers (-7) at St. Louis Rams
The Rams are 3-0-1 in their division, and have done well at home. That means nothing, because the 49ers will be looking to avenge that stupid tie they should have lost. They’re still wiping sister-spit from their lips, and Jim Harbaugh only likes his own spit all over his players’ faces.
My Pick: 49ers (-7)
Arizona Cardinals at New York Jets (-4.5)
The problem with teams no longer having byes is that there are more games I have absolutely nothing worthwhile to say about. Like this one, for instance.
My Pick: Cardinals (+4.5)
Carolina Panthers (-2) at Kansas City Chiefs
See the above pick.
My Pick: Panthers (-2)
Indianapolis Colts at Detroit Lions (-4.5)
If Andrew Luck winds up making the playoffs in his first year, one could argue that he could potentially be better than Peyton Manning. If the Colts make the playoffs, they could very well end up playing the Broncos, and I’d love to see Peyton make mincemeat of the neckbearded Peyton Jr, so I’m riding the Colts (see, cuz they’re horsies!) all the way.
My Pick: Colts (+4.5)
Jacksonville Jaguars at Buffalo Bills (-6)
If the loser of this game had to move to Los Angeles, which team would tank harder? My guess would be the Bills, because Buffalo is cold, and at least Florida has lots of Oxycontin.
My Pick: Jaguars (+6)
New England Patriots (-7) at Miami Dolphins
Once, I was visiting some friends of mine in Memphis. We walked through the parking lot of a gas station and a black guy, who had already filled up his car and gotten in to drive away, opened his driver’s side door, got out, and yelled at my friend, “DUDE LOOK LIKE TOM BRADY!” My friend, other than being white and of slightly above average height, does not look like Tom Brady. Nevertheless, I cannot see the Patriots’ QB without thinking DUDE LOOK LIKE TOM BRADY! Or seeing Florence Henderson and thinking DUDE LOOK LIKE MOM BRADY!
My Pick: Patriots (-7)
Houston Texans (-4.5) at Tennessee Titans
Remember when Matt Schaub got a cleat in the Jacobs last week? I do, because it’s the only thing anyone on sports radio has talked about since.
My Pick: Texans (-4.5)
Sunday Late Games (12/2 4:05PM ET)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Denver Broncos (-6.5)
This game is a lot tougher now than when the Broncos saw it on the schedule at the start of the year, but I’m riding the Broncos (because they, like the Colts, are also horsies!) the rest of the way.
My Pick: Broncos (-6.5)
Pittsburgh Steelers at Baltimore Ravens (4:25 start)
The line for this one is off the board at the time of writing due to injuries. Gun to my head, I’d pick the Ravens no matter who played QB for the decimated Stillers at this point.
My Pick: N/A due to injuries
Cleveland Browns (-1) at Oakland Raiders (4:25 start)
How must it feel to be a home dog to the Cleveland Browns? It must feel like being Carson Palmer.
My Pick: Browns (-1)
Cincinnati Bengals (-1) at San Diego Chargers (4:25 start)
How must it feel to be a home dog to the Cincinnati Bengals? It must feel like being Philip Rivers and Norv Turner.
My Pick: Bengals (-1)
Sunday Night Game (12/2 8:20PM ET)
Philadelphia Eagles at Dallas Cowboys (-7.5)
Nick Foles is where I draw the line at riding the horsies.
My Pick: Cowboys (-7.5)
Monday Night Football (12/2 8:30PM ET)
New York Giants (-2) at Washington Redskins
Is Eli back? Can you spell elite without Eli? Can you watch the film The Book of Eli without looking at your watch? What about listening to British folksters Steeleye Span? Can you put in a contact lens without doing feel-eye?
My Pick: Giants (-2)
Looking over what I wrote for that last pick, I must be really famished. I’m going to meal-I.