Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will.
Like many people of my generation, I got a worthless liberal arts degree instead of majoring in something practical that would allow me to make $10k a day as a ripped alpha CEO. This education has done nothing for me in the working world, as there are few practical uses for my knowledge of the postmodern poetry of Gertrude Stein, or the complete works of Shakespeare, or my expert analysis of Alexander Pope’s “The Rape of the Lock.”
So I’m going to put some of that knowledge to use in this here picks column, by writing an heroic couplet for each pick this week. The heroic couplet is a traditional form for English poetry; it is a largely closed and self-contained rhyming couplet in iambic pentameter, where the rhyming words are connected with acrostic meaning. Yes, I know this. See, my education was worth something after all?
Soon to be working there at the gas pump,
Here come the picks, right there after the jump!
(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time picks were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)
Last Week: 8-6
My Record So Far: 63-65-4
Thursday Night Game (11/8 8:20PM ET)
Indianapolis Colts (-3) at Jacksonville Jaguars
The Colts lucked out with Mister Andrew Luck,
The Jaguars did not and totally suck!
My Pick: Colts (-3)
Sunday Early Games (11/11 1PM ET)
Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots (-11)
Buffalo’s quarterback went to Harvard,
Now their defense will be drawn and quartered!
My Pick: Patriots (-11)
New York Giants (-4) at Cincinnati Bengals
New York last week was bummed out by Sandy,
Play the Bengals this week and feel dandy!
My Pick: Giants (-4)
San Diego Chargers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3)
The Chargers and Bucs: mediocre teams,
I don’t think it’s as even as it seems!
My Pick: Buccaneers (-3)
Denver Broncos (-4) at Carolina Panthers
Peyton Manning bought some Papa John’s stores,
Now he’s going to get just as many scores!
My Pick: Broncos (-4)
Tennessee Titans at Miami Dolphins (-6)
The wife of Ryan Tannehill is hot;
The performance of Chris Johnson is not!
My Pick: Dolphins (-6)
Oakland Raiders at Baltimore Ravens (-7.5)
Two franchises: murderous history;
Why’s the spread this high? It’s a mystery.
My Pick: Raiders (+7.5)
Atlanta Falcons (-2.5) at New Orleans Saints
The Saints started the season in a slump,
But playing the Eagles gave them a bump!
My Pick: Saints (+2.5)
Detroit Lions (-2) at Minnesota Vikings
Adrian Peterson: good at running;
Travis J. Petersen: great at punning.
My Pick: Vikings (+2)
Sunday Late Games (11/11 4:05PM ET)
New York Jets at Seattle Seahawks (-6.5)
Never bet against the Seahawks at home,
The Jets will allow their defense to roam.
My Pick: Seahawks (-6.5)
Dallas Cowboys (-1) at Philadelphia Eagles (4:25 start)
These two teams: nothing but disappointment;
All of their fans should get out the ointment.
My Pick: Eagles (+1)
St. Louis Rams at San Francisco 49ers (-11.5) (4:25 start)
The Rams will lose this by double digits;
Unless the Niners field only midgets!
My Pick: 49ers (-11.5)
Sunday Night Game (11/11 8:20PM ET)
Houston Texans at Chicago Bears (-1)
Two Super Bowl favorites meet in Chi-Town,
Prime time broadcast of the Jay Cutler frown.
My Pick: Texans (+1)
Monday Night Football (11/5 8:30PM ET)
Kansas City Chiefs at Pittsburgh Steelers (-12.5)
This game may be the worst ever Monday Night;
I may not watch this broadcast out of spite.
My Pick: Steelers (-12.5)
See, my English degree was good for something! Check back next week, when all of the picks will be in sonnet form (probably not).