Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will.
Halloween is coming, and I for one am not excited about it. I don’t like figuring out a costume, I don’t like paying for a costume when I can’t figure out something clever from stuff that’s laying around, and then once I get wherever I’m going, I don’t like that it’s another amateur night drinking occasion, a la St. Paddy’s Day or Cinco de Mayo, with all the people who have healthy, normal lives clogging the bars where I go to try and slowly end mine, one drink at a time. I no longer even enjoy seeing college coeds dressed like sluts (or kittens, or whatever) because I am a bitter old man.
All that being said, it’s time for some more NFL picks. It was a good week last week for the NFL Picks, so maybe after this weekend’s games I’ll have enough money to buy some candy for the kiddies. Candy apples and razorblades, kids. Watch out.
After the jump, how to dress as a player from each of these teams, with picks included.
(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time picks were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)
Last Week: 8-4-1
My Record So Far: 46-54-4
Thursday Night Game (10/25 8:20PM ET)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Minnesota Vikings (-6.5)
If you were to dress up as a Minnesota Vikings player, you would wear a cross and strike a thinker pose, and be Christian Ponder. If you were to dress up as a Tampa Bay Buccaneers player, you would dress all in brown, write “Phillies” on a sash, tie it around your waist, and be LaGarrette Blount.
My Pick: Buccaneers (+6.5)
Sunday Early Games (10/28 1PM ET)
New England Patriots (-7) at St. Louis Rams (in London)
To dress as a member of the New England Patriots, all you need to do is put a board atop your dome to be Danny Woodhead. To be a St. Louis Ram, you could be Josh Hull by taking your old St. Louis Blues #16 jersey and drawing a J on it.
My Pick: Patriots (-7)
Indianapolis Colts at Tennessee Titans (-3.5)
For Tennessee, I humbly submit a Chinatown reference, and say you take the door from where you’d store your books in high school, write “Gittes” on a piece of masking tape and tape it to said door, and you’d be Jake Locker. If you dressed as a dead horse (like this joke I’m beating beyond death) you’d be Colts quarterback Andrew Luck.
My Pick: Colts (+3.5)
Jacksonville Jaguars at Green Bay Packers (-14)
If you’re a Packers fan, you could and a friend could dress yourselves as a couple of Jesus’ apostles and then paint yourselves a grayish color, and together, you’d be Clay Matthews. If you want to represent for the Jacksonville Jaguars this Halloween (and I’m not sure exactly why you would) you could simply hang a Benz logo chain around your neck and be Marcedes Lewis.
My Pick: Jaguars (+14)
San Diego Chargers (-2.5) at Cleveland Browns
If you would like to be a mix of a Chargers player and an actress, you could just dress as Beverly Crusher from Star Trek: The Next Generation and be Antonio Gates McFadden. If this Halloween brings memories of your Cleveland Browns, you could take a small horse costume and paint a shamrock on it to go as backup QB Colt McCoy.
My Pick: Chargers (-2.5)
Atlanta Falcons at Philadelphia Eagles (-2.5)
Wear a fake gut that hangs over your belt and a crown and you can be Eagles tackle King Dunlap. I really can’t come up with anything clever for the Falcons, so you’re just gonna have to go with cheap beer in tow and be Matty Ice.
My Pick: Falcons (+2.5)
Seattle Seahawks at Detroit Lions (-2.5)
Lions fans who want to go all out can sing “Sk8er Boi” and go as Detroit defensive end Cliff Avril Lavigne (hey, Nickelback is also a football reference!). For your favorite Seattle player costume, I recommend carrying an Australian flag and being in one of those side serving bowls you get at a Chinese restaurant to be Sidney Rice.
My Pick: Seahawks (+2.5)
Miami Dolphins at New York Jets (-2.5)
There are really too many Jets options to pass up. The obvious is Tebow (a female bartender at a place I went for a drink on Halloween last year in LA was dressed as a “sexy Tebow”) but I think we can do better. How about you carry around a chalkboard while dressed as the eldest child on The Simpsons, writing “Can’t wait” over and over again, and be Bart Scott. After going that in depth with that one, we’ll make the Dolphins one a little less ridiculous: wear all black, and you can be defensive end Cameron Wake.
My Pick: Dolphins (+2.5)
Carolina Panthers at Chicago Bears (-7.5)
Wear a scarlet A and carry a football and you’re Devin Hester Prynne already, Chicago fans. For you fans of the Panthers out there, I recommend carrying playing cards or dice to be cornerback Chris Gamble.
My Pick: Bears (-7.5)
Washington Redskins at Pittsburgh Steelers (-5)
Come on, Pittsburgh folks: you know all you gotta do is wear a suit and carry a loudly ticking stopwatch to be Mike Wallace. Redskins representers: speak in a British accent while putting the feathers onto arrows to be my favorite Washington player, linebacker London Fletcher.
My Pick: Redskins (+5)
Sunday Late Games (10/28 4:05PM ET)
Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs (-2)
Chiefs fans should dress as the weapon London Fletcher armed, Dwayne Bowe. Raiders fans should go all out, dressing as a combination of one of late night’s defining hosts and the golfer behind a refreshing summer beverage: Carson Palmer.
My Pick: Raiders (+2)
New York Giants (-1.5) at Dallas Cowboys (4:25 start)
A simple brown robe, some beer, and a rope is all Giants fans need to be Justin Friar Tuck. For Cowboys fans I suggest being a road sign declaring how far to the capital of Texas: Miles Austin.
My Pick: Giants (-1.5)
Sunday Night Game (10/28 8:20PM ET)
New Orleans Saints at Denver Broncos (-6)
Last couple, for those who didn’t stop reading long long ago. Find your homosexual Gary Coleman leprechaun costume (we all have one laying around somewhere) to be Willis McGahee. Dress as the Fresh Prince of Bel Air to be Saints defensive end Will Smith.
My Pick: Saints (+6)
Monday Night Football (10/29 8:30PM ET)
San Francisco 49ers (-6.5) at Arizona Cardinals
Cardinals fans must dress as Jonathan Davis of Korn, in order to be Korn on the Kolb, in another joke I will continue to make until in my grave. Last, and maybe least, all one must do to be a 49ers receiver is to hump any rock you pass: you are Randy Moss.
My Pick: 49ers (-6.5)
Someone please take this NFL Picks column away before I am PUNished.