Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will.
It’s been a little over ten years since I dropped out of college after pretending like my college experience in the big city was going really awesome, when in fact it was not, and I was lying because everyone else was lying about how their college experiences were really awesome too. I started running into a lot of people from high school, and grew tired of telling them why I dropped out, so eventually, with a couple of friends, I just started lying and saying that I’d gotten married, in the hopes that the rumor would circulate, until it eventually made it back to my parents through someone telling their parents who ran into mine. Sadly, that never happened, but I did manage to get a whole party full of people I sort of knew convinced that I was married to a girl from Boston named Heather Villatos, who had red hair, and was “cute but flat-chested”, the cute because I didn’t want my fictional wife to be ugly, of course, and the flat-chested to make it realistic that she’d have low-enough self-esteem to marry me!
Today’s NFL picks are made by my fictional wife of ten years, Heather. Take it away, imaginary redhead!
(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time picks were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)
Last Week: 8-6
My Record So Far: 34-41-2
Thursday Night Game (10/11 8:20PM ET)
Pittsburgh Steelers (-4.5) at Tennessee Titans
I didn’t really grow up watching football because I’m from Boston and no one there cared about the Patriots until they won the Super Bowl, and even still they don’t really as long as the Red Sox are either doing really well or really poorly. From watching with Travis, though, I know that the Steelers are usually pretty good and I’m picking them because Travis has friends from Cincinnati who I like to bug by rooting for the Steelers.
My Pick: Steelers (-4.5)
Sunday Early Games (10/14 1PM ET)
Cincinnati Bengals (-2) at Cleveland Browns
Okay Cincy boys I can’t even pick against you here even though I might want to. I still don’t really like your chili though.
My Pick: Bengals (-2)
Indianapolis Colts at New York Jets (-3)
My little sister is like super-smart and she’s at graduate school at Stanford and she said Andrew Luck is really tall and kind of sounds like Andre the Giant when he talks, but apparently he’s nice. He also has similar terrible facial hair to my husband.
My Pick: Colts (+3)
Kansas City Chiefs at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3.5)
Once we went to visit a couple of Travis’s relatives in Kansas City and they were really weird and religious and they asked me if I had been saved. Since I know nothing about either one of these teams, I’m going to root against the Chiefs because of that. And because I don’t really like barbecue.
My Pick: Buccaneers (-3.5)
Oakland Raiders at Atlanta Falcons (-8.5)
My friend Elise moved to the Bay Area after college and always says she lives in San Francisco but really she lives in Oakland. The last time I went to visit her we were on the BART with a bunch of Raiders fans and they DID NOT smell good.
My Pick: Falcons (-8.5)
Dallas Cowboys at Baltimore Ravens (-4.5)
Ugh I can’t even look at Ray Lewis. He killed somebody, right? Why doesn’t anyone ever like talk about that? I wish Tony Romo was actually good, because he’s definitely not bad looking.
My Pick: Ravens (-4.5)
Detroit Lions at Philadelphia Eagles (-6)
Ugh Michael Vick. Sorry, I like dogs.
My Pick: Lions (+6)
St. Louis Rams at Miami Dolphins (-3)
I don’t understand what all these people are talking about, Ryan Tannehill’s wife is not even that cute. And if I didn’t pick the Rams, Travis would stick out his lip and pout all day.
My Pick: Rams (+3)
Sunday Late Games (10/14 4:05PM ET)
New England Patriots (-4) at Seattle Seahawks
Go Pats, I guess?
My Pick: Patriots (-4)
Buffalo Bills at Arizona Cardinals (-3.5)
There is like not even anything to say about this game, is there? That one guy who catches balls on the Cardinals has really cool hair, I guess.
My Pick: Cardinals (-3.5)
Minnesota Vikings at Washington Redskins (-2) (4:25 start)
I have to root for the Vikings, because they wear purple and are from Minnesota, just like Prince.
My Pick: Vikings (+2)
New York Giants at San Francisco 49ers (-4.5) (4:25 start)
I remember watching these two teams play each other because I felt so bad for that guy who screwed up that punt and let the Giants win the game. I hope he has a good game because that had to suck really bad.
My Pick: 49ers (-4.5)
Sunday Night Game (10/14 8:20PM ET)
Green Bay Packers at Houston Texans (-4)
Aaron Rodgers seems like a good athlete to marry, because he seems chill and like you’d be in Wisconsin so you wouldn’t have to worry about looking glamorous all the time, you could just wear sweatpants or whatever and everyone there would love you.
My Pick: Packers (+4)
Monday Night Football (10/15 8:30PM ET)
Denver Broncos at San Diego Chargers (-3)
I heard Philip Rivers talk in an interview and I didn’t really like him. I couldn’t really put my finger on why, he just seems like kind of a butt. And Peyton has good commercials. Am I done now?
My Pick: Broncos (+3)
Thanks, Heather. If it’s a good week, you’ll be back for week seven.