Organized Sports: The Stanley Cup Finals, Berman Style

Chris Berman

“Back back back back back back back back back….”

Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will. 

In honor of the beginning of the Stanley Cup Finals, and the complete lack of coverage of hockey by ESPN, I will now bag on ESPN’s favorite son, Chris Berman, by making Chris Berman nicknames for all of the players participating in the Stanley Cup Finals for each team. Here goes.

The Los Angeles Kings

Dustin “Charlie” Brown

Jeff “Get” Carter

Kyle Clifford “the Big Red Dog”

Colin Fraser “Crane”

Simon “Gone Baby” Gagne

Dwight “It’s Good to Be” King

Anze “La Brea” Kopitar “Pits”

Trevor “Lennox” Lewis

Andrei “It Puts the” Loktionov “In the Basket”

Jordan Nolan “Ryan”

Scott “Ten Under” Parse

Dustin “The” Penner “Is Mightier Than The Sworder”

Mike “Denise” Richards

Brad “Nolan” Richardson

Jarret Stoll “My Heart”

Kevin “Kanye” Westgarth

Justin Williams “Sisters”

Drew “Shadow of a” Doughty

Shadow of a Doubt

Underrated, I think.

Davis “Dr.” Drewiske

Matt “Mr.” Greene “Jeans”

Alec “Baldwin” Martinez

Willie Mitchell “Report”

Rob Scuderi “Queen”

Slava “Pit” Voynov

Jonathan “Burn Hollywood” Bernier

Jonathan “The” Quick “And the Dead”

The New Jersey Devils

Steve “Baseball from Ken” Bernier

Eric “Michael” Boulton

Ryan “Dixie” Carter

David “Patricia” Clarkson

Patrik Elias “Mahal”

Taj Mahal

Because it’s pronounced “El-ee-ahhsh”

Stephen “O” Gionta

Adam “O” Henrique

Cam “Dan” Janssen

Jacob “Yo” Josefson

Ilya “Kuryakin” Kovalchuk

Zach “We’ll Always Have” Parise

Alexei “Ride it, My” Ponikarovsky

Ginuwine My Pony

One of two great songs.

Petr “You Make Me” Sykora

Travis “Pat” Zajac

Dainius “We Bought a” Zubrus

Mark “Tammy” Fayne “Bakker”

Andy “Mo” Greene

Peter Harrold “& Maude”

Adam “Bucky” Larsson

Bryce Salvador “a the Explorer”

Henrik “Sarah Plain &” Tallinder

Anton Volchenkov “And Turn to the Right”

Marek Zidlicky “Lime Pie”

Johan “Mitch” Hedburg

Martin “Come At Me” Brodeur

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