Well, here we are, finally, the last game of the NFL season, and oh-my-daisy the storylines! Tom Brady can win his fourth Super Bowl, tying him with his childhood idol Joe Montana. Eli Manning can win his second, which will give him exactly two times as many rings as older brother Peyton, and which will make dumbfuck commentators say that because of that fact Eli is better, and will have a “greater legacy,” than Pey-Pey. The Patriots can attempt to avenge the imperfection the Giants wrought on their perfect season. The Giants can again triumph as the underdog (though much less of one this time) over the humorless and evil Patriots.
My thoughts on the majority of these storylines would only really be able to come across in print if there were some sort of sarcasm font, but I’m definitely looking forward to this game, because I like football and this is the last football game of the season, and I think these teams match up well, and it will likely be exciting. Who would I like to see win? The Giants, of course, though I hate the Patriots a lot less than I did in the pre-Gronk era. Not having Tedy Bruschi and Rodney Harrison goes a long way. Who do I think will win? Well, you’ll have to wait till after the jump and the jam to see.
Because, you know, the Super Bowl. Yeah.
(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time bets were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)
Championship Weekend Record: 1-1
Playoff Record: 5-5
Super Bowl (6:30PM ET)
New York Giants vs. New England Patriots (-3)
Neither of these teams looked great in taking the championships of their respective conferences. It took the Patriots a dropped touchdown and a horribly shanked field goal in the final seconds to eke past a Ravens team that had their number a lot of the time, and Tom Brady was outplayed by Joe Flacco of all people. The Giants needed a muffed punt and a return fumble to get into position to score the points they needed to win against a tough 49ers defense. The Giants are coming in hotter, it seems, with Eli playing better than Brady (at the moment), so my head says to take the Giants and the points. My heart is overwhelming my head at this point, or maybe not my heart, but my gut: Whatever it is (pancreas?!) is telling me that the Patriots are going to come out on some diabolical shit, having figured out some secret going on with the Giants and exploiting it on the way to winning despite the fact that they’re playing a college quarterback/NFL fourth receiver who looks like a member of Kings of Leon as a defensive back. This feels like the ultimate Belichick/Brady time to troll, and I think it’s going to happen, with the Pats winning by a touchdown, 27-20.
My Pick: Patriots (-3)
Bonus Bet: Under 55
That is that. I’ll return soon after the Super Bowl to take a look back at the season and my picks, and then I have no idea what I’ll write about. Don’t worry, it’s not gonna be soccer.