Tebow Tebow Tebow, Tebow Tebow? Tebow! Tebow.
Now that that’s out of the way, we can talk about what happened over Wild Card Weekend. If you follow football in the slightest, you’re probably a little Tebowed out, so we’ll just say that he just wants to thank his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and he’s proud of his teammates and etc. I was obviously wrong about the Steelers putting the hurt on the Tebow Tebows, but so was everyone else.
I was also very wrong about the Bengals (who didn’t show up) but right about the Saints and the Giants. So, much like my regular season record, I went .500, 2-2. The lines this week are tough to figure, and on first instinct my pick would be to say that every underdog will cover, and none will win. Do I go with that plan? Will Tim Tebow cause Rob Gronkowski to be struck down for laying with ladies of questionable morals? Will Jim Harbaugh bust a vein in his neck? Will I embed a YouTube video of a song that has little or no relation to football in general or these picks in particular? Read on to find out.
If this is not funny to you, then I don’t know what possibly could be.
(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time bets were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)
Wild Card Weekend Record: 2-2
Playoff Record: 2-2
Saturday Early Game (4:30PM ET)
New Orleans Saints at San Francisco 49ers (+3.5)
The Saints kept their home offensive show going, breaking the game wide open in the second half against the Lions and eventually winning by 17. What was up with the clock continuing to run when they knelt on fourth down at the end of the game? Did I miss something? Anyway, people are talking about how the 49ers can win this because it’ll be outdoors and on grass instead of in the Superdome, and there were a couple of moments where Drew Brees seemed to have a little too much of the gunslinger in ‘im, but I just don’t see it happening. Will this be one of the two games I get right when I inevitably go .500 this week? I think so.
My Pick: Saints (-3.5)
Saturday Late Game (8PM ET)
Denver Broncos at New England Patriots (-13.5)
To be fair, Tim Tebow did have a pretty durngood game against the Steelers. The Patriots have lost every playoff game they’ve played in since winning the AFC Championship to bring their record to 18-0. Does anyone remember what happened after that? Anyway, I don’t really think the Broncos are going to beat the Patriots, but I do think it will be close enough that the Broncos will cover this gigantic spread in garbage time.
My Pick: Broncos (+13.5)
Sunday Early Game (1PM ET)
Houston Texans at Baltimore Ravens (-7.5)
I have no good feelings about this game. The Ravens are a really good team that can look really bad if they for some reason decide not to use Ray Rice enough. The Texans have an awesome defense and running game and managed to win big over the Bengals last weekend, but it’s possible T.J. Yates will actually have to throw some passes this week, which has Ed Reed salivating and planning on how he’s going to look terrifying on the sideline after returning a pick for a touchdown. Only because of the spread, I’ll take the Texans, because I think they’ll keep it close.
My Pick: Texans (+7.5)
Sunday Late Game (4:30PM ET)
New York Giants at Green Bay Packers (-7.5)
This is the only one I’m actually confident about. I think that the Giants will make due on the promise they showed in the season’s earlier meeting with the Packers, just as they did when meeting the Patriots for the second time and ending their undefeated season. Yeah, the Packers aren’t really villains, and yeah they’re not undefeated, but Eli Manning wants to be one of “the elite” quarterbacks, and if he gets two rings, who can really argue with him?
My Pick: Giants (+7.5)
I really love these playoff weekends with two games on Saturday and two games on Sunday, but the sad thing about it is, this is the last week we’ll have four professional football games to watch. It reminds me that come early February, I’m going to have to get a life. Or start betting the money line on hockey.