A MacArthur Genius Grantland in Classicals

Yanni Live at the Acropolis

This will become clear at the end of the article.

2011 brought the world (or, at least, me) two sites that take on sportswriting in a unique enough way to make them a daily read: Bill Simmons’ pop-culture-heavy ESPN.com spinoff Grantland and the “post-punk sportswriting” of The Classical. While I may not love everything these sites put out there, there’s plenty about each that I do love. So, in honor of these two new additions to my daily work-procrastination reading, the beginning of the NBA season, and both sites’ mutual love of basketball, here are some pun-and-reference-laden potential headlines that might appear on either, neither, or both, one for each team in the Association.

(Disclaimer: I know that the @fakegrantland Twitter beat me to the punch on this, but I’d hope that a shared love of bad puns and poking fun might be enough to make them appreciate the homage. Also, if any of these jokes have appeared elsewhere, my apologies; they were probably really obvious bad puns. Anyhoo, take the jump!)

Robert Stackhouse: Why Jerry is Still in the League, and Other Unsolved Mysteries (Atlanta Hawks)

Rondo Goes Hondo: The Mercurial Point Guard Becomes the Guts of the Team (Boston Celtics)

To Biyombo, or Not To Biyombo: Inaction and Rookie Roster Decisions (Charlotte Bobcats)

Joakim Noah’s Arc: Despite an Unconventional Shooting Motion, the Points Pour in Two-by-Two (Chicago Bulls)

Joakim Noah

The origin of this shooting motion may trace back to the Epic of Gilgamesh.

Kyrie Eleison: A Rookie Point Guard and the Road He Must Travel (Cleveland Cavaliers)

Kiddin’ Like Jason: Is it Hot in Herre or Are the Mavs Just Out of Shape? (Dallas Mavericks)

Nene Cherry: The Nuggets’ Massive Attack (Denver Nuggets)

Tayshaun Connery: Prince Seeks a Roger Moore to Break His Bond to a Doomed Team (Detroit Pistons)

Monta Ellison: The Future of Guard Play as Only Imaginable in Speculative Fiction (Golden State Warriors)

Scola X: A Shortened Season Soundtracked by Scott Walker (Houston Rockets)

Hermione and Danny: Grangers Who Stop Time (Indiana Pacers)

Moetry in Potion: Is Maurice Williams the Secret Elixir for Clips’ Success? (Los Angeles Clippers)

World Peace-Out: Metta’s Rebounding Strategies Explained (Los Angeles Lakers)

Z-Bo the Letter: Underappreciated Power Forwards are Like Forgotten REM Singles (Memphis Grizzlies)

Hieronymous Bosh: The Big Triptych’s Last Judgment (Miami Heat)

The Last Judgment

Pictured: The Big Three.

Brandon Jennings Bryan: Gold Standard Scoring (Milwaukee Bucks)

Barea Sunshine: A New Light Shines in the Twin Cities (Minnesota Timberwolves)

D-Wills and Trusts: The (E)state of a Franchise Upon its Impending Brooklyn Move (New Jersey Nets)

Down in the Demps: The Travails of a Puppet GM (New Orleans Hornets)

D’Antoni! Tony! Tone!: Can Carmelo Find the Rhythm of the New Jack Swingman? (New York Knicks)

Ibaka Flocka Flame: Hard in da Paint in OKC (Oklahoma City Thunder)

Get in the Van Gundy: Trade Rumors Cast a Black Flag Over Latest Road Trip (Orlando Magic)

Salvador Iguodala: The Surreality of Playing with the Persistence of Trade Rumors (Philadelphia 76ers)

Nash Equilibrium: The Prisoner’s Dilemma, a Veteran Star, and a Rebuilding Team (Phoenix Suns)

Prisoner's Dilemma

Player A: Please fucking trade me to a contender. Player B: No, I won't reload on picks and prospects to give you what you want. Result: Both sides lose!

Roy Division: Tragic Injuries End a Career and Force a New Order in Rip City (Portland Trail Blazers)

Evans Gate: The Cult of Tyreke (Sacramento Kings)

Four Ginobili Truths: The Eightfold Path to Remain Atop the West (San Antonio Spurs)

Bargnani Live at the Acropolis: Frequent Trade Rumors are Easy Listening at this Point (Toronto Raptors)

General Millsap: Rock Solid Comfort Food at the Forward Position (Utah Jazz)

John Wall-E: Amongst the Wreckage, a Point Guard Finds Beauty (Washington Wizards)


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