This past weekend was a chaotic one in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, with the Packers ending it no longer undie-feeted, the Colts getting their first win and making sure Dan Orlovsky is not the only QB to ever start under center for two winless teams, and the Eagles showing what they could have been all along, all the while remaining eligible for the playoffs if they win out and get some help from their alternately awful and awesome mates in the NFC East.
It was also chaotic for my picks, which ended up giving me one of my worst weeks ever, 5-10-1. This holiday weekend will be chock full of chances for me to redeem myself, with games tonight (Thursday), the regular Sunday slate moved to Saturday for Christmas Eve, and the Sunday Night game capping off Christmas Day. Then there’s ESPN’s Monday Nighter. This week could be the one where I finally dip back below .500, turn the responsibilities over to Kellie from upstairs, and retire my picks in order to write about Champion’s League soccer, cause, you know, it’s “real” football or whatever.
That last part was a lie.
My record last week made me feel kinda Rollins.
(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time bets were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)
Week 15 Record: 5-10-1
My Record So Far: 109-107-8
Thursday Night Game (12/22 8:25PM ET)
Houston Texans at Indianapolis Colts (+6)
Last week, the Texans, without defensive coordinator Wade Phillips, out with health concerns, got pretty much demolished by those who Panth Carolina. They obviously did not take the age old advice, if it’s a Panther, don’t anther. The Colts finally won, with Donald Brown running all over the Tennessee Titans, who became more interesting than normal only in losing. One would think that the Colts are trending upwards and the Texans down, but there’s no way I’m taking the Colts when the Texans are favored by less than a touchdown.
My Pick: Texans (-6)
Saturday Early Games (12/24 1PM ET)
Denver Broncos at Buffalo Bills (+3)
Win by Threebow will return this week after a disappointing loss to the evil Patriots, which obviously had to happen in screenplay terms. I mean, the team in the Disney movie has to have a heartbreaking loss to the bad guys to make the playoff victory mean even more, right?
My Pick: Broncos (-3)
Arizona Cardinals at Cincinnati Bengals (-4)
The Cardinals are going to win again, and possibly win out, then not make the playoffs because they started winning just a little bit too late. The Bengals will miss the playoffs because they stopped winning a little early.
My Pick: Bengals (-4)
Jacksonville Jaguars at Tennessee Titans (-7.5)
This game is tough to pick, because the Jaguars and Titans can each both be good or awful. The Jags’ awful is worse than the Titans’ awful, and their good is worse than the Titans’ good, but with a spread like this, I’m going underdog (or underJag?).
My Pick: Jaguars (+7.5)
Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs (+1)
The Chiefs shocked the Packers and won their first game under adorable teddy bear of an interim coach Romeo Crennel. I hope Coach Romeo winds up getting the head coaching job, so that I can repeatedly tell him congratulations. He’ll increase his chances with a win this week over the Calmer Parson and his merry band of miscreants.
My Pick: Chiefs (+1)
Miami Dolphins at New England Patriots (-10)
Tom Brady, having gone up and down the field on the Broncos as dudes’ eyes go up and down his wife’s leggy form, will continue a backdoor bid to undermine Aaron Rodgers’ MVP campaign by littering the Foxboro field with Miami secondary viscera. If he did so on the continent containing the country of China, the process would be called eviscerasian.
My Pick: Patriots (-10)
New York Giants at New York Jets (-3)
Hey, it’s the battle of underachieving mediocre teams absolutely no one would care about if they didn’t play in the biggest fucking media market in the history of fucking ever! I could go on a rant about East Coast media bias here, and mention the fact that ESPN was totally late on the Pujols signing story when everyone in California had already heard about it hours before because Buster Olney’s nose is permanently sewn to the bottom of Derek Jeter’s ball crack (or grundle, if you prefer), but I won’t. Instead, I’ll pick the Giants to win this one on “the road.”
My Pick: Giants (+3)
St. Louis Rams at Pittsburgh Steelers (-14.5)
The Pittsburgh Steelers could start Neil O’Donnell at QB and roll in some Kordell Stewart surprise drop-kicks straight out of the nineties and still win this game. Look for the Rams to turn the ball over at least five times.
My Pick: Steelers (-14.5)
Minnesota Vikings at Washington Redskins (-6.5)
I had this teacher once who would always say that something was “One of two great [somethings]” and never say what the other great something was. An example I remember is him saying, “Malcolm in the Middle is one of two great shows on television right now.” Then he didn’t say what the other “great” show was. What? Anyway, what I’m trying to say here is that this is not one of two great games that will be played this weekend. Also, I’m guessing that the other “great” show was Ned & Stacey.
My Pick: Redskins (-6.5)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Carolina Panthers (-7.5)
If it weren’t breaking the rule to do so, I would say that this is the other not great game, but that’s breaking the rule, so I won’t do that. At least this one will have Cam Newton scoring a bunch of points for people who own him in Magic: The Gathering, which I hear has entered the playoffs by now. I hope everyone has saved up enough manna to activate his powers.
My Pick: Panthers (-7.5)
Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens (-13)
Ballmer felt victim to the annual December Sandy Eggo Surge (patent pending). They looked pretty bad on Sunday night, but not bad enough to think they’ll lose to the Browns when it matters for the standings. Will they win by two touchdowns, though? Probably not.
My Pick: Browns (+13)
Saturday Late Games (12/24 4:05/4:15PM ET)
San Diego Chargers at Detroit Lions (-2)
The Lions had yet another awesome comeback last week, beating the Raiders in Penalty Bowl 2011. Since they’re playing at home, I’ll jump back on their bandwagon this week and say they demolish Terence & Philip Rivers Cuomo and the Chris Berman-loved Chargers of Sandy Eggo.
My Pick: Lions (-2)
Philadelphia Eagles at Dallas Cowboys (-2.5)
The Eagles are going to win, pull within one game of .500 and keep their playoff hopes alive, and then lose next week to further twist the knives in the hearts of their fans. Oh wait, people in Philadelphia don’t have hearts? Or souls? Well, I’m sticking by my prediction anyway.
My Pick: Eagles (+2.5)
San Francisco 49ers at Seattle Seahawks (+2)
Since this game is meaningless and doesn’t involve any sort of “statement” for the 49ers, I think they’ll screw it up and lose on the road to Beast Mode and the rest of the Seahawks whose names I don’t know.
My Pick: Seahawks (+2)
Sunday Night Game (12/25 8:25PM ET)
Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers (-12.5)
I once saw this gigantic bully kid pick on a really little kid. The little kid punched him square in the face, and the bully ran off crying. The next day, the bully kid beat the living shit out of three regular-sized kids. I’m not going to explain the analogy any further.
My Pick: Packers (-12.5)
Monday Night Football (12/26 8:35PM ET)
Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints (-6.5)
New Orleans at home FTW.
My Pick: Saints (-6.5)
Hope to see you all next week. Holly Happy Days.