Five For Friday: Food, Glorious Junk

FR advocate healthy living.  Also, this garbage.


Travis: Jack Link’s Teriyaki Beef Jerky

I never think to buy beef jerky unless I’m on a road trip, but for some reason there’s nothing more satisfying than going into some roadside gas station as the car is filling up, grabbing a bag of this greasy stuff, and chewing on it while hitting the open road. It has the added bonus of making my breath completely disgusting, to go along with the stale been-in-a-car-all-day smell, when I reach my destination.

Tyler: Candy

I have been known to, for God knows what reason, waste money late-night raiding the candy rack of whatever convenience store I may encounter on a stroll home.  My tastes vary, though I’ve perhaps most often found myself admiring the ripped-up wrapper of a 3 Musketeers while tossing other detritus into my trashcan the following morning.  Not to mention the ever-irresistible lure of a classic, unadorned Hershey milk-chocolate bar.  Lately, though, thanks to the wonders of a Halloween nearly completely lacking in trick-or-treaters, I’ve been addicted to Kit-Kat, Snickers and Nerds.

Nathan: Funnel Cake 

The true beauty of funnel cake is that you can’t get it just any old time. You need to be at an amusement park, a food festival, or any other garish tourist attraction (the last funnel cake I had was in Gatlinburg, TN, the Eastern epicenter for all things garish). The silliness of your immediate surroundings only adds to the pleasure on your palate.

Pour on the powdered sugar and let it melt in your mouth. Look around and admire two-headed milk snake at the Ripley’s Believe It or Not museum.

Travis: Krunchers

I miss few things about my hometown of St. Louis. Friends, family, a smoke-filled dive bar or two, and Krunchers potato chips. I couldn’t decide between the Mesquite BBQ flavor or the Sea Salt and Cracked Pepper (which are as addictive as crack) so I’m showing love to the whole Krunchers family. Thanks for helping to make me a fat bastard.

Tyler: Microwave White Castles

I rarely, rarely indulge in these disasters, a busted-ass dilution of what already ranks as possibly the vilest fast-food offering on the market.  Catch me at the right moment, though, and I’ll pull a box of these frozen double-wrapped wonders from the grocery/liquor-store freezer, and they in all likelihood will be gone within forty-eight hours.

Nathan: Star Crunch

The other day I purchased a box of Little Debbie Star Crunches. I ate one on the way home from the grocery store. And then I decided I might as well eat another. When I got home, I figured that one more couldn’t hurt that much. And then I was watching a movie with my wife and figured that a movie needs a snack, so I grabbed another. I kept going like this until I was sick. Trying to fall asleep that night, my stomach was raging at me. But it was worth it all.

Thankfully, I had just enough restraint to leave me with a couple to eat the next day.

Travis: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Peanut butter and chocolate go better together than just about anything. Special bonus points go to the seasonal variations, because they are often larger than the regular peanut butter cups, and therefore I don’t feel as bad when I only stuff three or four in my fat face instead of my usual eight or nine.

Tyler: Popcorn

I cannot see a movie in a theater without cradling in my lap a tub of ‘corn that inevitably ends up larger than what I believe I’m purchasing until it’s handed to me, fluffy wonder spilling onto the counter and linoleum carpet as I hand over multiple bills for a barrel of treat that cost roughly 36¢ to order and produce.  No matter.  None of that fake butter, forget that nonsense; just a driveway’s worth of shaken salt and a handful of napkins stuffed into the pocket.  Toss in a Sprite and I’m damn near halfway done before the previews begin.

(Homemaker’s tip: forget spending two-to-four bucks on some three-bag waste of boxed ugly.  Grab a bag of plain kernels, a pack of brown paper bags, and a shaker of beautiful finely-ground popcorn salt, and you can have microwaved wonder in 180 or so seconds.  Plus, this way, if you’re feeling saucy, you can melt and pour REAL butter onto your bowl of delicious.)

Nathan: Miss Vickie’s Jalapeno Chips 

If there is any one good reason to eat at Subway, it is that they have a contract with Miss Vickie’s potato chips. And with that contract comes the most amazing jalapeno potato chip that I have ever tasted. I have tried Kettle brand and a few others, but there’s really no competition here at all. While traveling through the Canadian Rockies this past summer, I found a giant bag of them at a grocery store. I bought the bag and agreed (begrudgingly) to share these chips with my road trip companions. My mouth burned for hours, but my heart felt complete.

When I read the book of Exodus, I like to think that manna tasted something like a Miss Vickie’s jalapeno potato chip.

Travis: Chicken In a Biskit

You know how when people are describing some sort of obscure kind of meat, they often say, “It tastes like chicken?” Well, these crackers are supposed to taste like chicken (in a biscuit, I suppose), and don’t. In fact, I can’t even really describe what they do taste like, except that they are buttery, salty, disgusting, and amazing.

Tyler: Ice cream

This varies.  Sometimes, an expensive pint of Ben & Jerry’s evades avoidance.  Other times, all you need is a couple of ice cream sandwiches (the Oreo of frozen treats, but a thousand times the better).  On special occasions, a dip of Black Raspberry Chip from Graeter’s of Cincinnati is heaven via spoon.  Either and any way, the mouth-freezing appeal of sweet, sweet, salty spun dairy will forever slay me in its sway.  So long as you don’t inspect the calorie count, ice cream’s one of the most life-fulfilling indulgences money can buy.

Nathan: Pop, Specifically Vanilla Coke

Pop (Midwestern terminology, thank you) is an addictive substance. Others have coffee or cigarettes, but I have that bubbly drink. I could perpetually guzzle just about any flavor except Moxie, which is one of the most truly disgusting liquids of all time (there must be something in the Maine air that possesses its citizens to knowingly drink that stuff). I’ve started to take control of my pop addiction, limiting myself to the occasional bottle and a two liter once every month or so, but it is still a tempting treat.

My mind is very confused about the fact that Cherry and regular Coke are more popular than Vanilla Coke. I go on a road trip and constantly look for a place that will carry my favorite pop. I wish there was a Vanilla Coke app to help me search for that golden gas station.

Travis: Nacho Cheese Doritos

These triangles of corn chip goodness are my number one junk food addiction, and if I were only slightly more of a slob than I already am, there would be orange fingerprints all over everything I own to prove it. Fuck a Cool Ranch.

Tyler: Kettle Chips’ Kettle Crisps, Salt & Vinegar

I suppose the good people at KC would prefer I not classify their product as “junk,” but come now.  I actually feared for some time that these, my favorite salt ‘n vinegar chips (their taste and texture damn near similar actual slices of potato, fried and dipped in the appropriate ingredients) had disappeared from the market.  Praise the Lord, the organic market down the street from my apartment stocks them with regularity.  Every time, I buy two bags.  Every time, I wake up to but half a sack remaining.

Nathan: Peanut Butter M&M’s 

Accept no substitute. Throw your Reese’s Pieces down the garbage disposal. Erase from your mind the thought of any other peanut butter and chocolate based candy; only a fool would consider those products any further. Peanut Butter M&M’s are the grand king of all candies. They have vanquished every bar, nugget, cup, and piece known to mankind. They will continue to reign over all confectionary products for as long as the sun gives its light.


5 thoughts on “Five For Friday: Food, Glorious Junk

  1. God, I love Krunchers. If they were to ever come out with a salt-and-vinegar variety, I would balloon by twenty pounds in about eight days. There was a moment a couple years back when it appeared the company that makes the Ks–Jay’s–might go under. Thank the Lord that did not happen.

  2. Sorry, Nathan. I couldn’t remember what Star Crunches were like, so I googled them to remember which type of snack they were. That was the first thing that came up, so I felt I had to share.

  3. Also, Tyler, there used to be Salt n Vinegar Krunchers for like a year. They came in a plain white bag with a British flag on it and were awesome. The Sea Salt and Cracked Pepper are the next best thing. I will be stuffing them in my face when I return home at Xmas time.

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