Well, it seems fairly obvious now that the St. Louis Rams are going to win the Super Bowl. After my hometown Cardinals won the World Series on some poorly-scripted Disney film shit, this past Sunday the winless Rams, with a few of the Cards in the house, housed the New Orleans Saints 31-21 in a game that wasn’t as close as the score would indicate, just a week after the Saints dropped 62 on the Colts, who can be described most charitably as hapless. After said victory, the Rams are currently 1,000 to 1 to win the Super Bowl. That is barely worse than the odds against the Cardinals on September 12, with a far smaller percentage of the season remaining. So the smart money is obviously on the Rams, right?
Of course not. But it’s kinda fun to think about.
In other NFL news, the Tim Tebow experiment hit quite the snag as the Lions came to town and sacked him for every missionary circumcision he’s performed. An article published before the game billed it as “Good Vs. Evil,” with Tebow representing all that is sunshine and flowers, and Ndomukong Suh representing the forces of darkness. Suh was quoted after the game: “Evil prevails.” So good.
This song is the hardcore equivalent to Suh ripping a quarterback’s head off.
(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time bets were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)
Week 8 Record: 7-6
My Record So Far: 59-52-5
Sunday Early Games (11/6 1PM ET)
New York Jets at Buffalo Bills (-1.5)
That the Bills are only favored by one-and-a-half points at home shows two things: that the NYC bias has to be taken into account in everything, even the lines that Vegas sets (in anticipation of bros from New York betting that way); and that bettors still don’t believe that the Bills are for real. The Jets have absolutely no offense, so I’m going Williams.
My Pick: Bills (-1.5)
Seattle Seahawks at Dallas Cowboys (-12)
Last week, the Cowboys got thoroughly dismantled by the Eagles, and the Seahawks got only slightly less dismantled by the Bengals, and the Seahawks were at home in one of the loudest stadiums (stadia?) in the league. The spread seems a bit extreme in favoring the Romosexuals by this much, but the Seahawks, barring their win against the Giants in Jersey, haven’t given much reason to bet in their favor. Also, Pete Carroll is a massive buttface.
My Pick: Cowboys (-12)
Atlanta Falcons at Indianapolis Colts (+7)
I would rather watch back-to-back-to-back-to-back episodes of that new show Once Upon a Time about fairy tale characters existing in a real life town or whatever than watch yet another drubbing of the hapless, Manningless Colts. Since the Colts are both hapless and Manningless, does that mean we should call the injured quarterback Peyton Hap? And does that extend to his brother and father, Eli and Archie Hap? Man, I’m stupid. But that Once Upon a Fleeb show has Ginnifer Goodwin in it, and she’s cute (eh, I probably still wouldn’t watch Once Upon a Flobbdibs).
My Pick: Falcons (-7)
Miami Dolphins at Kansas City Chiefs (-5.5)
The Chiefs eked out a Monday Night overtime win over the Chargers that put me above .500 for the week (though they could have lost by a field goal and I’d have still taken the bet). The Dolphins lost in heartbreaking fashion once again. Tony Sparano seems like a fairly likable coach, and it sucks that there’s something wrong with his eyes so that he has to wear sunglasses even indoors, and Todd Haley is a massive wangbro, but, as with so much in life, in football wangbros tend to finish first.
My Pick: Chiefs (-5.5)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at New Orleans Saints (-8)
The guys setting the lines in Vegas must just see last week’s Saints loss to the Rams as a Mulligan in order to favor them by more than a touchdown against a team that is sorta kinda okay sometimes. The Saints are playing at home, though, and the Buccaneers haven’t really shown the kind of whatever it is—moxie, intangibles, grit? No, talent and execution—to think they’ll compete against more than one Drew Bree at the Superdome.
My Pick: Saints (-8)
San Francisco 49ers at Washington Redskins (+3.5)
West Coast teams traveling east and playing in the early game often have trouble—who am I kidding?
My Pick: 49ers (-3.5)
Cleveland Browns at Houston Texans (-11)
Andre Johnson will be back. The most marketable players on the Browns are a white running back—shades of New England!—and a quarterback named Babyhorse O’Neil, or something like that.
My Pick: Texans (-11)
Sunday Late Games (11/6 4:05/4:15PM ET)
Cincinnati Bengals at Tennessee Titans (-3)
I’ve mentioned before that the guys who set the betting lines consider home field advantage worth three points when determining the spread. That means that the Titans and Bengals are viewed as equal teams. I, personally, don’t agree. Strange as it seems, I’m on this Bengals bandwagon, even though the nickname Red Rifle (for rookie QB Andy Dalton) just makes me think of the South Park use of “Red Rocket” in reference to dog boners.
My Pick: Bengals (+3)
Denver Broncos at Oakland Raiders (-8)
A few weeks ago, Carson Palmer was shotgunning brews at the Coliseum and staring at callipygean coeds clad in maroon shorts with “USC” written across the hiney in gold letters. Now he is the Raiders quarterback, and already has three INTs to his name! The Broncos lost to the Raiders in the concluding game of the season’s first week, even with a competent passer under center, in Denver. No matter who either team might line up under center (unless Broncos legend/head of football operations John Elway injected himself with stem cells and took the field himself) I feel confident the Raiders will take this one at home easily.
My Pick: Raiders (-8)
New York Giants at New England Patriots (-8.5)
The Patriots lost a game many thought they’d win last week in Pittsburgh. The Giants barely won a game whose outcome should never have been in doubt at home against the Dolphins. The spread seems excessive, especially considering the teams’ identical 5-2 records. Though it may come back to bite me, I’ll go ahead and take the Giants here, in honor of the fantastic feelings that went through my body when Eli Hap and his heroics ruined the Patriots’ perfect season.
My Pick: Giants (+8.5)
St. Louis Rams at Arizona Cardinals (-3)
Since the Rams are now destined to win the Super Bowl, the road to victory continues here.
My Pick: Rams (+3)
Green Bay Packers at San Diego Chargers (+5.5)
It’s starting to get to the point where people will talk about the possibility of the Packers going undefeated. By people, I guess I mean me, since I just mentioned said possibility in the previous sentence. They probably won’t, but they are sort of reminiscent of that Pats team that almost got there, in that they have a ridiculous offense led by a quarterback at the top of his game, and that their ridiculous offense has thus far overshadowed a defense that has some weaknesses. Except I highly doubt that a sports bar full of fans in a random city would erupt in cheers if Aaron Rodgers took a dirty hit to the knees and was out for a year, as happened with Tom Brady. All that being said, the Chargers don’t really look like the team to take advantage of any team’s weaknesses, especially after pooping the bed Monday Night against the Chiefs.
My Pick: Packers (-5.5)
Sunday Night Game (11/6 8:25PM ET)
Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers (-3)
The Ravens haven’t looked too great the past couple of weeks, losing to the Jagwires on Monday night and having to fight for their lives to beat the Cardinals. The Steelers just knocked off the Patriots in a game where the final score made it seem a lot closer than it actually was. Though the Ravens dropped plates on they ass in Week One, the Steelers will take round two of THE GREATEST FOOTBALL RIVALRY IN HISTORY EVER BECAUSE THESE TEAMS PLAY WITH INTENSITY at home.
My Pick: Steelers (-3)
Monday Night Football (11/7 8:35PM ET)
Chicago Bears at Philadelphia Eagles (-7)
Like last week when the Eagles played the Cowboys, this primetime matchup feels like a coinflip, especially with the touchdown spread. The Bears and the Eagles can both look either awesome or awful, and it really depends which of those teams shows up. With Matt “rushing is his” Forte, the Bears seem primed to take advantage of the Iggles’ defensive weaknesses, but honestly what I’d really like to see is a game with a shitload of punts, so that we can have DeSean Jackson and Devin Hester rack up the score going head-to-head with ridiculous returns.
My Pick: Bears (+7)
November is here and the NFL regular season is about halfway done. It’s been fun so far, but it’s time for these picks to kick into high gear. Let the bodies hit the floor.