Last week I talked about how it seemed like I had things figured out, based on my going 11-2 with my picks and everything making total sense to me. I spoke too soon, because since that time I went 5-6-2, including in those losses a couple of colossal blunders, namely taking the Titans, giving up three points at home, to the Texans, who handily beat said Titans 41-7; and feeling confident I’d get above .500 on Monday Night having chosen the Ravens, only to have them lose to the Jaguars’ defense, and their kicker Scobee-Wan Kenobi.
In other NFL news, the Falcons (who won, by the way, anyway) are butthurt over supposed comments Ndomukong Suh and his fellows on the Lions D-line made after Matt Ryan got an owie in this past week’s game. NFL controversies, whether they have to do with whether or not Tim Tebow should get to play or how trash talk can go over the line or whatever, are stupid, and I feel twenty IQ points dumber for even talking about any of them, but come on, whining about trash talking from an opponent that you beat? Go home, Falcons, watch the new hit Fox sitcom The New Girl, knit some terrible-looking handbags to put on Etsy, and listen to this song:
Conor Oberst is the antithesis of football.
(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time bets were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)
Week 7 Record: 5-6-2
My Record So Far: 52-46-5
Sunday Early Games (10/30 1PM ET)
Indianapolis Colts at Tennessee Titans (-9)
The Titans got murdered last week by the Texans, but it was downright merciful compared to the 62-7 thrashing the Saints hung on the Manning-less Colts. There is absolutely no reason to bet on the Colts, who seriously just need to admit they’re going into the tank the way the Spurs did the year David Robinson got injured and they ended up being able to draft Tim Duncan. Andrew Luck will look very appropriate in a Colts uniform yelling audibles Peyton-style in a few years.
My Pick: Titans (-9)
New Orleans Saints at St. Louis Rams (+13.5)
The Rams, on the other hand, aren’t tanking for Luck (since they’ve already put all future hopes on Ram Bradford), they’re just terrible. The only good thing about this game is that no one will see it, not even the local audience in St. Louis, because it will surely fail to sell out.
My Pick: Saints (-13.5)
Miami Dolphins at New York Giants (-10)
Wow, yet another terrible team doing the double-digit doggystyle. The Dolphins were up by 15 with two seconds left and then Tim Tebow called the reverse Damascus play and got on a giant white steed, driving the team to victory through sheer will and smiling, the Broncos defeating the Dolphins in overtime. The Giants can lay an egg in games they should win (see this year’s home loss to the Seahawks) but with a tough divisional schedule approaching, they’ll take care of business this week.
My Pick: Giants (-10)
Minnesota Vikings at Carolina Panthers (-3.5)
Cam Newton faces fellow first-round rookie QB Christian Ponder this week in Carolina. While Ponder looked pretty dece in his first start, against the Packers no less, Killa Cam is going to pass, run, and pass some more all over the Vikes. Strangely enough, this game between sub .500 teams will probably be one of the week’s most entertaining.
My Pick: Panthers (-3.5)
Arizona Cardinals at Baltimore Ravens (-13)
“Who Pooped the Bed?” is one of my favorite episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It combines near-constant use of my favorite English language word (that would be “poop”—it’s a palindrome!) with Sweet Dee trying to be like Sex and the City with the Waitress and Artemis in tow, and ends with Artemis taking on the role of Hercule Poirot in its parlor room mystery spoof conclusion. What I’m saying here is last week the Ravens pooped the bed against the Jags, and won’t make the same mistake this week, and Terrell Suggs will possibly rend Kevin Kolb limb-from-limb as Larry Fitzgerald, open downfield, pulls out a cell phone to call Kurt Warner and beg him to pull a Favre.
My Pick: Ravens (-13)
Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans (-9.5)
Though the Texans hung mad points on the Titans last week, I find it hard to pick them having to win by at least ten ever, since they are the epitome of a mediocre franchise. Also, Jags QB Blaine Gabbert has some serious hair. Fun trivia: this will be my first time picking the Jags this year! This is sure to be a mistake!
My Pick: Jaguars (+9.5)
Sunday Late Games (10/30 4:05/4:15PM ET)
Washington Redskins at Buffalo Bills (-6) (in Toronto)
It’s enjoyable watching the Redskins fall apart. I don’t even particularly have anything against the team, or Mike Shanahan, but owner Dan Snyder is a massive choadbucket, so anything bad that happens to his team is great. It should be noted that though this is a Bills “home” game, it is being played in Toronto, so it’s pretty much a neutral site game. Even so, I’m still taking the Harvard QB and his Williams.
My Pick: Bills (-6)
Detroit Lions at Denver Broncos (+3.5)
The Lions have lost two in a row, and at times looked hapless against the Falcons last week. What better team to regain hap against than the Denver Broncos? I like Tebow, and would be happy for him to succeed, but this week I’ll just be happy if he leaves the game intact after Suh wipes the Bible verse eye-black right off his face.
My Pick: Lions (-3.5)
New England Patriots at Pittsburgh Steelers (+3)
For two of the most successful teams of the past decade who built their dynasties on defense, neither one of these teams seems to be playing much of it this year. This will be a shootout, and in a shootout I find it hard to pick against Tom Brady and football’s very own David Eckstein (though with actual skill) Wes Welker.
My Pick: Patriots (-3)
Cleveland Browns at San Francisco 49ers (-9.5)
The Browns just took part in one of the worst football games ever, last week’s 6-3 victory over the Seahawks. The 49ers are on a roll, and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to stop anytime soon.
My Pick: 49ers (-9.5)
Cincinnati Bengals at Seattle Seahawks (+3)
The Seahawks lost 6-3 last week. That would be an admirable showing in a set against Roger Federer in an early round of Wimbledon, but in the NFL, that’s just unwatchable and terrible. This game will likely also be unwatchable and terrible, but the Bengals are better than the Browns, so they’ll probably put up more than six points.
My Pick: Bengals (-3)
Sunday Night Game (10/30 8:25PM ET)
Dallas Cowboys at Philadelphia Eagles (-3.5)
Picking this game is a complete guess because both of these teams can be awesome, and they can both be terrible, and are often both within the same game. Because for some reason I still believe the Eagles can turn their season around, and because they are at home, I’ll choose them, and probably change my mind six or seven times in the time before the game finally airs.
My Pick: Eagles (-3.5)
Monday Night Football (10/31 8:35PM ET)
San Diego Chargers at Kansas City Chiefs (+3.5)
Suddenly the Chiefs are 3-3 and the Chargers don’t look too good after losing to the Jets, who came back big in the second half last week. This one feels like a coin flip to me, but for the moment I’m going to choose to believe in the non-existent phenomenon known as momentum and pick the Kansas City Tribal Leaders.
My Pick: Chiefs (+3.5)