Travis’s NFL Pixies – Track 3: Wave of Mutilation

Week 2 was good to ol’ Travis, at least as far as the NFL picks went, though it began following last Monday’s action with a flat tire and ended with a layoff. These economic times, they sure are somethin’. Guess that means it’s time to gamble, right?

What, you didn’t come to hear me whine about my woes? You came for bad puns and now slightly above average football picks against the spread? Well, here’s a bad pun for ya: if the Denver Broncos’ quarterback were the hero of a Dr. Seuss book, would that book be called Orton Ears a ‘Oo? I think it would, though it might more likely be called Orton Ears a Boo, because even though he’s a more capable NFL quarterback at this point than Tim Tebow, the Denver fans don’t see it that way. Tebow does, thus far, have a far better record of starring in relatively innocuous pro-life Super Bowl commercials, though.

What else interesting happened in the second week of NFL action? The Cowboys beat the 49ers in overtime as Tony Romo came back into the game with broken ribs. The winning field goal was set up by a 77-yard pass. If it had been a 78-yard pass, I would have had a win instead of a push. Even in willing your team to victory, Tony Romo, you still disappoint. But we can still be buds, and play some hide-and-seek.

Enough about last week, though. On to week three:

A Statboy favorite.

(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time bets were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)

Week 2 Record: 10-5-1

My Record So Far: 16-14-2

Sunday Early Games (9/25 1PM ET)

San Francisco 49ers at Cincinnati Bengals (-2.5)
Right off the bat? I’m stumped. Andy Dalton has red hair. The 49ers have red uniforms. The heat is on in this rematch of Super Bowl XXIII. Or not. But the Bengals did right by me this past week, covering the spread even though they lost, so let’s ride that hot Cincy action.
My Pick: Bengals (-2.5)

Danny Woodhead

You see, you should like the Patriots, because they're scrappy, white, white, scrappy and white!

New England Patriots at Buffalo Bills (+9)
Since the Williams are 2-0, and have put up some big offensive numbers in the first two weeks, it’s tempting to take them with nine points against the Patriots. The Pats have looked Chronicles of Ridic though in the first couple of weeks, and though I really hate them, I can’t see betting against the Patriots until someone gives me reason enough. Cambridge loses to Boston.
My Pick: Patriots (-9)

Houston Texans at New Orleans Saints (-4)
The Saints in the Superdome still feels magical. I can’t bet against Brees and and his Bros at home, especially after their performance in Week 2 against the macho, hairy, leather-clad gay men of Chicago.
My Pick: Saints (-4)

New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles (-5.5)
Often, I’d be worried about the safety of a player who had just suffered a concussion coming back to play right away, what with all the potential damage a second concussion in such a short period of time might cause. The truth of the matter is, though, I don’t care if Vick gets another concussion, as long as he’s in the game long enough to entertain me and beat the thoroughly unimpressive but sort of competent Giants. And even if he doesn’t play, it seems likely the triple-threat of Eagles corners could be an offensive of their own against pick-happy Eli.
My Pick: Eagles (-5.5)

Dolphin Tale

Oh no they didn't reunite Ashley Judd and Morgan Freeman, stars of 'Kiss the Girls'!

Miami Dolphins at Cleveland Browns (-2.5)
That new movie Dolphin Tale looks like something I’d make fun of someone for wanting to see, then end up watching on cable in a few years while home sick or something and wind up crying like a pregnant woman who’s just gotten a parking ticket. Oh, I’ve gotta pick one of these teams? I have no idea. Tie goes to the home team.
My Pick: Browns (-2.5)

Denver Broncos at Tennessee Titans (-7)
That the Titans are favored by a touchdown shows how little people believe in the Broncos. While they did get pushed around by the Raiders in the Monday Night late game to close out the first week, they did win last week. The Titans, however, beat the Ravens, obviously still hung over from their win over the Steelers or really tired from committing a bunch of murders. Can I really justify taking the Titans by a touchdown, though? Oh well, go big or go home. Remember the Tit.
My Pick: Tit (-7)

Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings (+3.5)
If the Vikings did not have Adrian Peterson, they would probably be the worst team in the league. The Lions are coming off of a thorough Suh-plex of the hapless Kansas City Chiefs. Matthew Stafford is still healthy, so I’m taking the Lions, while also being kind of sad that Donovan McNabb hasn’t had a more fortunate career, because he really does seem like a good dude. He is one quarterback I actually hope Suh doesn’t behead.
My Pick: Lions (-3.5)

Jacksonville Jaguars at Carolina Panthers (-3.5)
You read it here first. Or, probably not—one, because you probably aren’t reading this, and two because I’m sure a million people will have already made this prediction. Cam Newton gets his first NFL victory against the Jagwires, and Jack of the river comes one step closer to the broadcast booth.
My Pick: Panthers (-3.5)

Sunday Late Games (9/25 4:05/4:15PM ET)

Kansas City Chiefs at San Diego Chargers (-14.5)
Because I live in Southern California, this will be the afternoon game I get to watch. No, I don’t have Red Zone channel or whatever or the Sunday Ticket package and I don’t have any friends who do because I don’t have friends. And the Rams thus far have not earned any sort of willingness to make a sports bar journey to pretend I still really care about my old hometown team. So this is what I will watch, and it will be a terrible game. I think the Chargers will cover, because the Chiefs are really really bad. (Side note: thanks, NFL broadcast rules, for cutting away from the game-winning play of the Raiders-Bills game last week to show the Patriots and Chargers running out onto the field in Foxboro, then the kickoff, then a commercial. That was really great)
My Pick: Chargers (-14.5)

Raiders snapback

SNAPBACK #SWAG!

New York Jets at Oakland Raiders (+3)
Maybe it’s some sort of Stockholm Syndrome sort of thing going on with me because I’ve watched them two straight weeks, but I’m kinda digging on the Raiders. They are insane, take a whole bunch of penalties, and hit the quarterback a lot. They run the ball hard. I am about ready to purchase a vintage Raider snapback. That being said, I think the Jets are the better team and will probably win.
My Pick: Jets (-3)

Baltimore Ravens at St. Louis Rams (+4.5)
This game is going to be murder. Get it? I’m totally the first person to make that joke about the Ravens. But seriously, the Rams aren’t nearly as good as I’d hoped they’d be, and I’m going to stop being a big dumbbutt and picking them (should dumbbutt only have one “b”?)
My Pick: Ravens (-4.5)

Atlanta Falcons at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-1.5)
More like Suckin’ Queers!
My Pick: Falcons (+1.5)

Arizona Cardinals at Seattle Seahawks (+3)
The NFC Westside is not, in fact, the NFC Bestside. The Seahawks were my pick this year for the absolute worst team in the league, and I’ll stick with that thought until the Chiefs overtake them as the main offenders of suck.
My Pick: Cardinals (-3)

Destiny Newton

Apparently Aaron Rodgers is dating some chick named Destiny and she has a tramp stamp.

Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears (+3.5)
The Pack got scared a little bit last week by the Panthers. I’d have to think they’ll take a divisional matchup, especially one with such a storied historical rivalry (wank motion), more seriously. I’m predicting a serious return of Jay Cutler sadface in this matchup of teams whose fans all die of heart attacks.
My Pick: Packers -3.5

Sunday Night Game (9/25 8:25PM ET)

Pittburgh Steelers at Indianapolis Colts (+10.5)
The fact that the league is stuck with this as the main primetime game of the week makes me NFLOL.
My Pick: Steelers (-10.5)

Monday Night Football (9/26 8:35PM ET)

Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys (-5.5)
The Redskins barely beat the Cardinals. The Cowboys barely beat the 49ers. The new Monday Night Football song is even dumber than before with the addition of some dudes doing acapella. That’s one thing high school guidance counselors don’t prepare you for when you’re thinking about college, just how many fucking acapella groups you’re going to be confronted with when you get there. Even more of them than bad comedy troupes. Instead of a big orientation meeting about how if you’re a guy and you have sex with a girl it will probably be considered rape, they should warn you about acapella groups, and hand out earplugs instead of condoms. As for this game, I will go with the Cowboys, because I like my men clean. Meaning I don’t prefer Gross men. Like Rex Grossman. Also the name Redskins is offensive to the 1/64th of me that is Redskin.
My Pick: Cowboys (-5.5)

As I was writing these picks I set my iTunes to shuffle. The song “Warm Leatherette” by the Normal came up, reminding me that at one point in my life I cared a lot more about obscure post-punk singles than football. The times have changed, but that shit is still my jam. Knee you sexed weekend.

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