Organized Sports NFL Picks – The Championship Games Actually Exist

I’m so sad my fake girlfriend is dead.

Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will. 

It’s not NFL-related, but I’d be remiss if I did not mention the biggest football-related story of the week, that being Deadspin’s investigation into the heartwarming backstory of Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o, which found out that the tale of his deceased girlfriend, whose death from leukemia inspired him to the Heisman running this season, was entirely a hoax.

Now, Manti Te’o is a 22-year-old young man, in college still, and when I was around that age, I told quite a few lies about girls, to girls, and more. After the jump, I’ll include a couple of those stories along with my picks, because we’ve talked enough about these teams already, haven’t we? I mean, Ray Lewis retirement potential Harbaugh bowl battle of the brothers Falcons monkey on back Tony Gonzalez Greatriots. That covers it, right? All right then, onwards and upwards.

Organized Sports NFL Picks – Joy Divisional Round

Ian Curtis Martin

Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will.

Last weekend didn’t offer many Unknown Pleasures, as three of the four games were ugly to watch, with only the final contest, the Redskins-Seahawks Sunday late game matchup, worth watching into the fourth quarter. I thought many of the games would be Closer, but they were not, and I only got a quarter of my picks correct.

As the New Dawn Fades on Saturday, hopefully I’ll throw off my incorrect gambling Disorder and the teams I choose will get into the Interzone more often. Or, rather, the end zone, I suppose.

This gimmick’s getting old, and it will get older after the jump.

Organized Sports NFL Picks – Weekend: The Wild Cardening

I don’t know who these people are on this picture.

The playoffs are finally here, which means no more Raiders-Chargers late games, no more Eagles or Jets in primetime spots because networks thought they were going to be good, and no more me having to painfully sit through St. Louis Rams games out of hometown loyalty and watch Sam Bradford get crushed by average defensive linemen because he plays behind an offensive line made out of castoffs from the movie Little Giants.

No, it’s time for real, honest-to-goodness meaningful football. They may not be playing for all the Tostitos, but we should see some good games this weekend, and after the jump, you’ll see just how I think it’s going to go down.

Organized Sports NFL Picks – Week 17: The Final Countdown

Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will.

Last week I wrote my picks in a haze of pre-Holiday depression and distraction, and as a result I went 13-3 for my best week yet, and would have to get every single pick this week wrong to fall below .500 for the year. Scanning the list of games this week, I very well could get every single one wrong, because a handful of these fall into the “crapshoot” realm. But it’s the final week of the regular season, so let’s do it big, one last time.

Organized Sports NFL Picks – Week 16: But a Whimper

Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will. 

If the world ends as it’s supposed to today, the last NFL play we’ll have seen will be a Tennessee Titans kneeldown to close out one of the most hilarious games in NFL history. The second-to-last play? Mark Sanchez fumbling a low snap, his running back accidentally kicking the ball away from him while trying to block, and the Titans recovering to seal a victory they’d almost kicked away with a terrible 19-yard punt from their own endzone.

But the world probably won’t end, so I’ll make this week’s picks anyway.

Organized Sports NFL Picks – Week 15: Wee More Threeks

Buffalo’s Future Logo

Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will. 

Tragedy struck once again this past weekend, with one member of the Dallas Cowboys ending up behind bars after a drunk driving accident in which he killed his practice squad teammate. After the couple of weeks the NFL has had, writing a silly picks column full of bad puns and obscure references to terrible post-punk bands doesn’t really seem like the way to go, but once again I am at a loss for anything eloquent to say about these tragedies that hasn’t already been said elsewhere, and better.

What I know how to do is make jokes, so that’s what I’ll do. Onward and upward.

Organized Sports NFL Picks – Week 14: Not This Week

Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will. 

It doesn’t really feel right to write a jokey NFL picks column after the weekend the NFL just had, when I am unsure whether or not any games should have been played, and completely certain in my opinion that one specific game should not have been played, even though all involved handled the tragedy as best it could be handled. But I also don’t want to add anything more than that, because it’s already been written about here, and everywhere, and I won’t pretend to have anything more eloquent to say on the matter than that. Picks to follow.

Organized Sports NFL Picks – Week 13: Do You Elize?

This did not happen for me in Vegas.

Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will. 

For the second year in a row, I spent Thanksgiving in a Vegas casino, indulging my sports-betting, free-drinking, cocktail waitress-ogling id. Was the trip a success? I bet on sports (and didn’t lose ALL of my money), the cocktail waitresses weren’t much to ogle, but the drinks were free. All in all, it was a good time.

My big win? A 6-1 bet that Wes Welker would score the first touchdown in the Patriots-Jets game. My big loss? Luxor blackjack. Consolation prize? The airport full of college girls in yoga pants and Uggs coming back after break. Picks after the jump.

Organized Sports NFL Picks – Week 12: Thieving Ganks

My hand turkeys were never this good.

Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will. 

The annual day of feasting and family-hating is upon us, so it’s time to determine what each NFL team is thankful for. Last week I went 8-6, and therefore I’m thankful to be back at .500 on the year, with the legbreakers no longer on my trail. Check out the thanks and the picks after the jump.

(Note: All point spreads listed here are the lines at the time picks were made. Be sure to consult your very legitimate and legal sports book [cough] before making a bet of your own; lines move constantly due to the action on particular games. Also, gambling is illegal in many states. And watch out for those offshore betting sites, lest you end up like an online poker professional. Okay? Okay. Onward and upward.)

Organized Sports NFL Picks – Week 11: Stone Cold Lead Pipe Lockout

Hey, there IS a worse commissioner than Roger Goodell!

Organized Sports is a recurring sports column named for a seminal DC avant-hardcore song by the equally stupid and brilliant (to me, “equally stupid and brilliant” pretty much just means “brilliant”) band Void. Take from that what you will. 

For a long time, I’ve been a hockey fan. When the lockout hit this year, erasing the first month of the season, I found myself not caring. The NBA lost two months of its season last year and the result was great. And there was still football to be watched, and postseason baseball. The beginning of November came around, and the NHL cancelled its flagship event, the Winter Classic, the New Year’s Day outdoor game that’s helped bring the game to a wider audience. Again, I didn’t care. My hometown Blues weren’t playing in that game, and never will.

It was then I resigned myself not to care if the whole season was lost. Both the owners and players are selfish, hockey is at best the fourth major sport in America and realistically actually behind NASCAR, golf, and the US Women’s National Soccer Team. They’re doing nothing but hurting themselves, and I’m resolving not to care whether or not the game does come back.

Until it does come back, anyway. On to the NFL picks.